Quoteable Quotes:

[Tanner]

Can remember the actor who said this on hollywood squares... BUTTTT....

Host ....
"When a man falls off a boat, you say man overboard. What do you say when a woman falls off a boat?"

Actor....
"Full Speed Ahead"

[G-MONEY]

Even a blind squirrel gets an acorn once in a while....(Unknown)

Mike

I use that one all the time

[G-MONEY]

Ham Porter: Hey, Smalls, you wanna s'more?
Smalls: Some more of what?
Ham Porter: No, do you wanna s'more?
Smalls: I haven't had anything yet, so how can I have some more of nothing?
Ham Porter: You're killing me Smalls!

[G-MONEY]

Smalls: I was gonna put the ball back.
Squints: But it was signed by Babe Ruth!
Smalls: Yeah, you keep telling me that! Who is she?
Ham Porter: WHAT? WHAT?
Kenny: The sultan of swat!
Bertram: The king of crash!
Timmy: The colossus of clout!
Tommy: The colossus of clout!
All: BABE RUTH!
Ham Porter: THE GREAT BAMBINO!
Smalls: Oh my god! You mean that's the same guy?

[zad0030]

The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.
Mitch Hedberg

On a traffic light yellow means yield, and green means go. On a banana, it's just the opposite, yellow means go ahead, green means stop, and red means, where'd you get that banana?
Mitch Hedberg

The next time I move I hope I get a real easy phone number, something like 2222222. People will ask, "Mitch, how do I get a hold of you?" I'll say, "Just press two for a while, when I answer, you'll know that you've pressed two enough."
Mitch Hedberg

An escalator can never break. It can only become stairs. You would never see an "Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order" sign, just "Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience."
Mitch Hedberg

Alcoholism is a disease, but it's the only one you can get yelled at for having. Goddamn it Otto, you are an alcoholic. Goddamn it Otto, you have Lupis... one of those two doesn't sound right.
Mitch Hedberg

If I was a locksmith, I'd be pimping that out man. I'll trade you a free key duplication for... That joke made me laugh before I could finish it, which is good, because it had no ending.
Mitch Hedberg

Someone handed me a picture and said, "This is a picture of me when I was younger." Every picture of you is when you were younger. "...Here's a picture of me when I'm older." Where'd you get that camera man?
Mitch Hedberg

I want to get a job as someone who names kitchen appliances. Toaster, refridgerator, blender....all you do is say what the sh*t does, and add "er". I wanna work for the Kitchen Appliance Naming Institute. Hey, what does that do? It keeps sh*t fresh. Well that's a fresher....I'm going on break.
Mitch Hedberg

I want to be a rebellious McDonald's owner. Cheeseburgers... NOPE... we got spaghetti!
Mitch Hedberg

[Domsz06]

"My name is Maximus Decimus Meridius, commander of the Armies of the North, General of the Felix Legions, loyal servant to the true emperor, Marcus Aurelius. Father to a murdered son, husband to a murdered wife. And I will have my vengeance, in this life or the next." Gladiator

I love that one!!!

[hoopykat]

I bought myself a parrot. The parrot talked. But it did not say, "I'm hungry,"... so it died.

I think foosball is a combination of soccer and shish kabobs.

I would imagine that if you could understand Morse code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy.

Mitch Hedberg

[jacques2727]

When a guy gets a girl out of his league

"He way outkicked the coverage"

Can't remember where I heard this one but I love it.