Post your best joke thread

[G-MONEY]

HA HA HA.....



I won the gold in the blind giant slalom

[G-MONEY]

Radical Procedure

Joe was moderately successful in his career, but as he got older he was increasingly hampered by incredible headaches. When his personal hygiene and love life started to suffer, he sought medical help. After being referred from one specialist to another, he finally came across a doctor who solved the problem.
"The good news is I can cure your headaches... The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition which causes your testicles to press up against the base of your spine. The pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."

Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He couldn't concentrate long enough to answer, but decided he had no choice but to go under the knife.

When he left the hospital, his mind was clear, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.

He walked past a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need: a new suit." He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit."

The salesman eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see... size 44 long." Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?"

"It's my job."

Joe tried on the suit. It fit perfectly. As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?" Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure..."

The salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let's see... 34 sleeve and... 16 and a half neck" Joe was surprised, "That's right, how did you know?"

"It's my job."

Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly. As Joe adjusted the collar in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about new shoes?" Joe was on a roll and said, "Sure..."

The salesman eyed Joe's feet and said, "Let's see... 9-1/2... E." Joe was astonished, "That's right, how did you know?"

"It's my job."

Joe tried on the shoes and they fit perfectly. Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, "How about a new hat?" Without hesitating, Joe said, "Sure..."

The salesman eyed Joe's head and said, "Let's see... 7-5/8." Joe was incredulous, "That's right, how did you know?"

"It's my job."

The hat fit perfectly. Joe was feeling great, when the salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?" Joe thought for a second and said, "Sure..." The salesman stepped back, eyed Joe's waist and said, "Let's see... size 36."

Joe laughed, "No, I've worn size 34 since I was 18 years old."

The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34. It would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache."

[G-MONEY]

Sex On The Beach

A guy is walking along the beach, when he meets a girl with no legs, crying.
"Why are you crying?" he asks.

"I've never been hugged," she says. The guy hugs her, but she continues crying.

"Why are you crying?" he asks.

"I've never been kissed," she says. The guy kisses her, but she continues crying.

"Why are you crying?" he asks.

"I've never been screwed," she says. The guy picks her up and throws her into the water.

"There," he says. "Now you're screwed."

[jleger98]

LMFAO!!!

[G-MONEY]

Respectfully Cheating

Jack and Betty are celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary.
"Betty, I was wondering -- have you ever cheated on me?"

"Oh Jack, why would you ask such a question now? You don't want to ask that question..."

"Yes, Betty, I really want to know. Please."

"Well, all right. Yes, 3 times."

"Three? When were they?"

"Well, Jack, remember when you were 35 years old and you really wanted to start the business on your own and no bank would give you a loan? Remember how one day the bank president himself came over to the house and signed the loan papers, no questions asked?"

"Oh, Betty, you did that for me! I respect you even more than ever, that you would do such a thing for me! So, when was number 2?"

"Well, Jack, remember when you had that last heart attack and you were needing that very tricky operation, and no surgeon would touch you? Remember how Dr. DeBakey came all the way up here, to do the surgery himself, and then you were in good shape again?"

"I can't believe it! Betty, I love that you should do such a thing for me, to save my life! I couldn't have a more wonderful wife. To do such a thing, you must really love me darling. I couldn't be more moved. When was number 3?"

"Well, Jack, remember a few years ago, when you really wanted to be president of the golf club and you were 17 votes short?"

[Domsz06]

ha ha ha

[chpthril]

Rudy's Chance to Save America

[jleger98]

nice photoshop. I didn't realise there was direct sunshine in the subway.

[chpthril]

March 14th is Einstein's birthday. He would have been 128. Few people
remember that the Nobel Prize winner married his cousin, Elsa Lowenthal,
after his first marriage dissolved in 1919.

He stated that he was attracted to Elsa because she was well endowed, and
postulated that if you are attracted to women with large breasts, the
attraction is stronger if there is a DNA connection.

Thus this came to be known as Einstein's Theory of Relative Titty

[G-MONEY]

Democrats and Baseball.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I hope democrats think this is a joke... Republicans know it to be the truth!


If you don't understand the Democrats' version of tax refunds, maybe
this will help explain it:

50,000 people go to a baseball game, but the game was rained out.

A refund was then due.

The team was about to mail refunds when a group of Congressional
Democrats stopped them and suggested that they send out the ticket
refunds based on the Democrat National Committee's interpretation of
fairness.

Originally the refunds were to be paid based on the price each person
had paid for the tickets.

Unfortunately that meant most of the refund money would be going to the
ticket holders that had purchased the most expensive tickets. This,
according to the DNC, is considered totally unfair.

A decision was then made to pay out the refunds in this manner:

People in the $10 seats will get back $15. After all, they have less
money to spend on tickets to begin with.

Call it an "Earned Income Ticket Credit." Persons "earn" it by having
few skills, poor work habits, and low ambition, thus keeping them at
entry-level wages.

People in the $25 seats will get back $25, because it "seems fair."

People in the $50 seats will get back $1, because they already make a
lot of money and don't need a refund. After all, if they can afford a
$50 ticket, they must not be paying enough taxes.

People in the $75 luxury box seats will each have to pay an additional
$25 because it's the "right thing to do."

People walking past the stadium that couldn't afford to buy a ticket for
the game each will get a $10 refund, even though they didn't pay
anything for the tickets.
They need the most help. Sometimes this is known as Affirmative Action.

All those that received a refund of any amount will, of course, be taxed
on the amount of money refunded.

Now do you understand?

If not, contact Speaker Nancy Pelosi, Senator Ted Kennedy, Senator John
Kerry, senator Chuck Schumer, Senator John Murtha or Senator Hillary
Clinton for assistance.

[Domsz06]

ha ha ha, that's funny!!



What do you call a man with no arms and legs over a fence?












"Homer!!!"

[jleger98]

certainly the republicans would never come up with such a scheme

[chpthril]

I've got one of each in my toolbox

---------------------------------------------------

Tools & Their True Uses:

DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, splattering it against that freshly-stained heirloom piece you were drying.

WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned guitar calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, "Yeouw s--t...."

ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age.

SKIL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of
blood-blisters. The tool most often used by all women.

BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

WELDING GLOVES: Heavy duty leather gloves used to prolong the conduction of intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub you want the bearing race out of.

WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars and motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16 or ½ socket you've been searching for, over the last 45 minutes.

TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

EIGHT-FOOT LONG YELLOW PINE 4 X 4: Used for levering an automobile upward off of a trapped hydraulic jack handle.

TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters and wire wheel wires.

E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool ten times harder than any known drill bit that snaps neatly off in bolt holes thereby ending any possible future use.

RADIAL ARM SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to scare neophytes into choosing another line of work.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.

CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 24-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A very large pry bar that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end opposite the handle.

AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.

TROUBLE LIGHT: The home mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin, "which is not other wise found under cars at night. Health benefits aside, its main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate that 105 mm howitzer shells might be used during, say, the first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading. The accessory socket within the base has been permanently rendered useless, unless requiring a source of 117 vac power to shock the mechanic senseless.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids, opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads. Women excel at using this tool.

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws.

AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty bolts which were last over tightened 30 years ago by someone at Ford, and instantly rounds off their heads. Also, used to quickly snap off lug nuts.

PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent to the object we are trying to hit. Primarily used to make gaping holes in
walls when hanging pictures.

MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use. It is also useful for removing large chunks of human flesh from the user's hands.

DAMMIT TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling "DAMMIT" at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need

[chpthril]

Democrats and Baseball.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I hope democrats think this is a joke... Republicans know it to be the truth!


If you don't understand the Democrats' version of tax refunds, maybe
this will help explain it:

50,000 people go to a baseball game, but the game was rained out.

A refund was then due.

The team was about to mail refunds when a group of Congressional
Democrats stopped them and suggested that they send out the ticket
refunds based on the Democrat National Committee's interpretation of
fairness.

Originally the refunds were to be paid based on the price each person
had paid for the tickets.

Unfortunately that meant most of the refund money would be going to the
ticket holders that had purchased the most expensive tickets. This,
according to the DNC, is considered totally unfair.

A decision was then made to pay out the refunds in this manner:

People in the $10 seats will get back $15. After all, they have less
money to spend on tickets to begin with.

Call it an "Earned Income Ticket Credit." Persons "earn" it by having
few skills, poor work habits, and low ambition, thus keeping them at
entry-level wages.

People in the $25 seats will get back $25, because it "seems fair."

People in the $50 seats will get back $1, because they already make a
lot of money and don't need a refund. After all, if they can afford a
$50 ticket, they must not be paying enough taxes.

People in the $75 luxury box seats will each have to pay an additional
$25 because it's the "right thing to do."

People walking past the stadium that couldn't afford to buy a ticket for
the game each will get a $10 refund, even though they didn't pay
anything for the tickets.
They need the most help. Sometimes this is known as Affirmative Action.

All those that received a refund of any amount will, of course, be taxed
on the amount of money refunded.

Now do you understand?

If not, contact Speaker Nancy Pelosi, Senator Ted Kennedy, Senator John
Kerry, senator Chuck Schumer, Senator John Murtha or Senator Hillary
Clinton for assistance.

After just finishing our taxes, it all makes sense now, thanks G

[Domsz06]

ha ha ha