Post your best joke thread

[chpthril]

A man scanned the guests at a party and spotted an attractive woman
standing alone.
He approached her and asked her name.

"My name is Carmen," she told him.

"That's a beautiful name," he said. "Is it a family name?"

"No," she replied. "I gave it to myself. It reflects the things I like most
- cars and men."

"What's your name?" she asked.

"Beertits," he said

[Tequilasun]

O where O where could Tequila be?? O where O where could he be!?!

Man, I haven't heard a Joke Joke in a long time. Jokes now a days are "did you ever notice...."


Anyway, Not that many people find this funny, but it is my favorite joke of all time.

What is black, white, and red, and can't fit through a door?



A nun with a spear through her head.

[sparky216]

A man scanned the guests at a party and spotted an attractive woman
standing alone.
He approached her and asked her name.

"My name is Carmen," she told him.

"That's a beautiful name," he said. "Is it a family name?"

"No," she replied. "I gave it to myself. It reflects the things I like most
- cars and men."

"What's your name?" she asked.

"Beertits," he said

awsome......haha

[zad0030]

Man, I haven't heard a Joke Joke in a long time. Jokes now a days are "did you ever notice...."


Anyway, Not that many people find this funny, but it is my favorite joke of all time.

What is black, white, and red, and can't fit through a door?



A nun with a spear through her head.

I think im gonna have to use that for Halloween this year.

[G-MONEY]

A guy calls his buddy the horse rancher and says he's sending a friend over
to look at a horse.
His buddy asks "How will I recognize him?"
"That's easy, he's a midget with a speech impediment."
So, the midget shows up, and the guy asks him if he's looking for a male or female horse.
"A female horth," so he shows him a prized filly.
“Nith lookin horth ... Can I thee her eyeth"?
So, the guy picks up the midget and he gives the horse's eyes the once over.
"Nith eyeth, can I thee her earzth"?
So he picks the little fella up again, and shows him the horse's ears.
"Nith earzth, can I see her mouf"?
The rancher is gettin' pretty ticked off by this point, but he picks him up again and shows him the horse's mouth.
"Nice mouf, can I see her twat"?
Totally mad as fire at this point, the rancher grabs him under his arms, rams the midget's head as far as he can up the horse's rear end, pulls him out and slams him on the ground.

The midget gets up, sputtering and coughing. "Perhapth I should rephrathe that-

Can I thee her wun awound a widdlebit"?

[G-MONEY]

How many ADD kids does it take to screw in a light bulb?





































What was the question..?

[chpthril]

How many ADD kids does it take to screw in a light bulb?
What was the question..?

Hay now, i resemble that remark

[G-MONEY]

Hay now, i resemble that remark

What remark?!?!?!?!?!?!

[raythompson]

Joke

There is a new study just released by the American Psychiatric Association about women and how they feel about their asses. The results are pretty interesting:

1. 10% of women surveyed feel their *** is too big.

2. 5% of women surveyed feel their *** is too small.

3. The remaining 85% say they don't care; they love him; he's a good man; they would have married him anyway.

[raythompson]

Anger Management

HUSBAND: When I get mad at you, you never fight back. How do you control your anger?

WIFE: I clean the toilet

HUSBAND: How does that help?

WIFE: I use your toothbrush

[raythompson]

Three Guys and a Genie

Three guys--a Canadian farmer, Osama bin Laden, and an American engineer are walking together one day. They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it.

"I will give each of you one wish, which is three wishes total," says the Genie.

The Canadian says: "I am a farmer, my dad was a farmer, and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Canada." Pooooof! With a blink of the Genie's eye, the land in Canada was forever made fertile for farming.

Osama bin Laden was amazed, so he said: "I want a wall around Afghanistan, Iraq, and Iran so that no infidels, Jews, or Americans can EVER come into our precious state." Pooooof! Again, with the blink of the Genie's eye, there was a huge wall around those countries.

The American engineer asks, "I am very curious. Please tell me more about this wall."

The Genie explains: "Well, it's 5000 feet high, 500 feet thick, and completely surrounds these countries. It's virtually impenetrable.

Now what is your wish?"

The American engineer smiles and says: "Fill it with water."

[chpthril]

Two bored casino dealers are waiting at the crap table. A very attractive blonde woman from Alabama arrived .and bet twenty-thousand dollars ($20,000) on a single roll of the dice. She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I play topless." With that, she stripped to the waist; rolled the dice; and yelled, "Come on, baby.... Southern Girl needs new clothes!" As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up-and-down... and squealed... "YES! YES! I WON! I WON!" She hugged each of the dealers... and then picked up her winnings and her clothes, and quickly departed. The dealers stared at each other dumfounded. Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?" The other answered, "I don't know... I thought you were watching."

Moral ---
Not all Southerners are stupid.
Not all blondes are dumb.
But, all men..... are men.

[chpthril]

President Hillary Clinton

***** JANUARY 1 2009 *****


HILLARY'S FIRST NIGHT AS PRESIDENT



Hillary Clinton was sworn in today as President.
She has disposed of Bill and is spending her first night alone in the White House.
She has waited several years for this.
FIRST NIGHT
Suddenly! The ghost of George Washington appears to her, and Hillary says, "How can I best serve my country?"



Washington says, "Never tell a lie."
"Ouch!" Says Hillary, "I don't know about that."
SECOND NIGHT
The next night, the ghost of Thomas Jefferson appears...
Hillary says, "How can I best serve my country?"
Jefferson says,

"Listen to the people."

"Ohhh! I really don't want to do that."
THIRD NIGHT
On the third night, the ghost of Abe Lincoln appears... Hillary says, "How can I best serve my country?"


Lincoln says,

"Go to the theater."

[sparky216]

***** JANUARY 1 2009 *****


HILLARY'S FIRST NIGHT AS PRESIDENT



Hillary Clinton was sworn in today as President.
She has disposed of Bill and is spending her first night alone in the White House.
She has waited several years for this.
FIRST NIGHT
Suddenly! The ghost of George Washington appears to her, and Hillary says, "How can I best serve my country?"



Washington says, "Never tell a lie."
"Ouch!" Says Hillary, "I don't know about that."
SECOND NIGHT
The next night, the ghost of Thomas Jefferson appears...
Hillary says, "How can I best serve my country?"
Jefferson says,

"Listen to the people."

"Ohhh! I really don't want to do that."
THIRD NIGHT
On the third night, the ghost of Abe Lincoln appears... Hillary says, "How can I best serve my country?"


Lincoln says,

"Go to the theater."

LMAO.......your full of them aren't you

[chpthril]

There is one here to offend everyone

What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball?

Juan on Juan
************************************************
What is a Yankee?

The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.
************************************************** **
What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover?

The position of the dirt bag
************************************************** **
Why is divorce so expensive?

Because it's worth it.
************************************************** **
What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?

Doughnuts
************************************************** **
Why is air a lot like sex?

Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.
************************************************** **
What do you call a smart blonde?

A golden retriever.
************************************************** **
What do attorneys use for birth control?

Their personalities.
************************************************** **
What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?

10 years and 45 lbs
************************************************** **
What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband?

45 minutes
************************************************** **
What's the fastest way to a man's heart?

Through his chest with a sharp knife.
************************************************** ***
Why do men want to marry virgins?

They can't stand criticism
************************************************** ****
Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?

Because those men already have boyfriends.
************************************************** ****
What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?

After a year, the dog is still excited to see you
************************************************** *****
What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?

The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.
************************************************** *******
Why don't bunnies make noise when they have sex?

Because they have cotton balls.
************************************************** *******
What's the difference between a porcupine and BMW?

A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.
************************************************** *******
What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?

"Are you sure it's mine?"
************************************************** *******
Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?

Mace will do that to you.
************************************************** *******
Why did OJ Simpson want to move to West Virginia ?

Everyone has the same DNA.
************************************************** *******
Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?

Breasts don't have eyes.
************************************************** *******
Why do drivers' education classes in Redneck schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?

Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.
************************************************** *******
Where does an Irish family go on vacation?

A different bar.
************************************************** *******
Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a blond baby?

They named him "Sum Ting Wong".
************************************************** *******
What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?

A speech impediment.
************************************************** *******
What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at half-mast?

They're hiring.
************************************************** ********
What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?

A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage along with... "a recipe".
************************************************** *******
How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F word?

Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!
************************************************** ********
What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale?

A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time ..." -A southern fairytale begins
"Y'all ain't gonna believe this ****....
************************************************** *******
Why is there no Disneyland in China?

No one's tall enough to go on the good rides

************************************************** ********