Post your best joke thread

[G-MONEY]

So post your jokes here, and then this thread should hopefully turn into a database of some of our best jokes... I guess we have to keep them semi-appropriate... but fire away!






An elderly man in Florida had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back, fixed up nice; picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees. The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end. One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!" The old man frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked." Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."

[G-MONEY]

Ok, so this blonde woman in her 30's decides she is REALLY sick and tired of blonde jokes. She cuts her hair and dyes it brown. She drives down a country road, still thinking about how annoying it is to be called a dumb blonde. She passes a farmer outside in a pasture with his sheep. She stops her car, gets out and calls the farmer over to the fence. She says, "Hey I have a proposition for you, if I can guess the exact amount of sheep residing in this pasture without counting, can I have one of them?"

The farmer shrugs his shoulders, and says "Sure lady." After surveying the farm for a few seconds, she looks up and guesses 127. The farmer nods his head, and allows her to take one. As she's loading it into her van, the farmer approaches her and says "Excuse me ma'am, but if I can guess the true color of your hair, can I have my dog back?"

[wannabewakeboarder]

i own a tigé













haha im funny...i wish i did tho

[NICKYPOO]

What's the difference between a Pursian and a gorilla?


1 hair.

[zad0030]

O where O where could Tequila be?? O where O where could he be!?!

[NICKYPOO]

If you don't know who Buddy Rich was, this won't mean much. However, if you do know who he was...

A guy in the band calls Buddy Rich's house looking for Buddy. A man answers and says, "I'm sorry but Buddy passed away last night."
The guy replies, "Ohhh, alright then."-click.

The next day he calls again and says "Hi. Is Buddy there?" Again the man says, "No, buddy has passed away."
"Alright, thanks."-click.

The third day comes and and he calls again,"Yeah, is Buddy there?" The man is now a bit preturbed and says, "Look, I already told you, Buddy Rich is dead. What's your deal? Didn't you hear me the first two times?"
"Yeah, I heard you. I just like hearing it."-click.

[Coach]

I have a few but I don't thing any can be posted here with out some sort of punishment

[Coach]

Ok I will play

A guy's going on a business trip and he has to take his secretary with him, and she's really crazy about him. The first night on the Amtrak, she's in the top bunk and he's in the bottom bunk. She says, "Mr. Forsythe! Mr. Forsythe! I'm chilly! I think I need a blanket!" He says, "Miss Schmitt, how'd you like to pretend you're *Mrs.* Forsythe for a little while? She says, "Oh, I'd like that." He says, "Then get you own damn blanket."

[Coach]

A guy calls the hospital. He says, "You gotta send help! My wife's going into labor!" The nurse says, "Calm down. Is this her first child?" He says, "No! This is her husband!"

[Coach]

You know how to make holy water? You take some regular water and you boil the hell out of it.

[Coach]

Why don't lobsters share? They're shellfish.

[Coach]

Learn this one and live it guys

A high school girls runs up to her father. She says, "Daddy, Daddy, I need fifty dollars." He says, "Forty dollars? What do you need thirty dollars for?"

[Coach]

What's the quietest place in the world? The complaint department at the parachute packing plant.

[chpthril]

CHINESE PROVERBS
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who run in front of car get tired.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who run behind car get exhausted.

*~*~*~*~*~*! ~*~*~*~*
Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to
Bangkok.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man with one chopstick go hungry.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who scratch *** should not bite fingernails.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Baseball is wrong: man with four balls cannot walk.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Panties not best thing on earth! But next to best thing on
earth.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

War does not determine who is right, war determine who is left.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*! ~*~*~*

Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

It take many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it.

! *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who drive like hell, bound to get there.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement. !
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*! ~*~*

Man who fart in church sit in own pew.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Crowded elevators smell different to midgets

[chpthril]

A Texas cowboy is driving down the hiway
As he passes a billboard for a restaurant
It reads "Friday Special...All You Can Eat...Lobster Tail and Beer"
And he thinks to himself "damn, my 3 favorite things"