Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolina mountain man, was drafted by the Army. On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb. That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair. On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush. That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth. On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap. The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years.
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"Failing to prepare is preparing to fail" John Wooden- Rest in Peace -
A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. 'Careful,' he said, 'CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them.. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the! Salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!' The wife stared at him. 'What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?' The husband calmly replied, 'I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving.'"Failing to prepare is preparing to fail" John Wooden- Rest in PeaceComment
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Clean can be funny.
One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very Sexy nightie. 'Tie me up,' she purred, 'and you can do anything you want.' So he tied her up and went golfing.
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A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house. She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, 'Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!'
The husband said, 'Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?' 'Doesn't matter,' she said. 'Just get out.'"Failing to prepare is preparing to fail" John Wooden- Rest in PeaceComment
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A chinese couple gets married and they are on their honeymoon. They are getting ready for bed, and the wife is in the bed already. She is trembling under the sheets, and the husband tells her "oh, wieefe of miyen, pwease do not be afwaid, I weewl not huwt you. I ruv you, I want to geeve you anything".
She peeks out, just her eyes and says, "but but... I want de numba seexty nine".
He responds.... "You want mandreen beef and bwoccolwi?"So this monkey walks into a bar...Comment
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A distinguished young woman on a flight from Switzerland asked the
Priest beside her.
'Father, may I ask a favor?'
'Of course. What may I do for you?'
'Well, I bought an expensive woman's electronic hair dryer for my
mother's birthday that is unopened and well over the Customs limits,
and
I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it
through Customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?'
'I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie.'
'With your honest face, Father, no one will question you.'
When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her.
The official asked, 'Father, do you have anything to declare?'
'From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to
declare.'
The official thought this answer strange, so asked, 'And what do you
have to declare from your waist to the floor?'
'I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but
which
is, to date, unused.'
Roaring with laughter, the official said, 'Go ahead, Father.' Next!Life is good...
Happy Wife Happy LifeComment
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What did the Cal Trans worker say to the Snail?
Hey stop following me!my midlife crisis started at puberty and I plan on enjoying it all the way to the end..Comment
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2012 Car of the Year
New 2012 Ford
Renault and Ford have joined forces to create the perfect small car for women.
Mixing the Renault 'Clio' and the Ford 'Taurus' they have designed the 'Clitaurus'. It comes in pink, and the average male car thief won't be able to find it - let alone turn it on - even if someone tells him where it is and how to do it.
Rumor has it though, that it leaks transmission fluid once a month, and can be a real bitch to start in the morning! Some have reported that on cold winter mornings, when you really need it, you can't get it to turn over.
New models are initially fun to own, but very costly to maintain, and horribly expensive to get rid of. Used models may initially appear to have curb appeal and a low price, but eventually have an increased appetite for fuel, and the curb weight typically increases with age. Manufacturers are baffled as to how the size of the trunk increases, but say that the paint may just make it LOOK bigger.
This model is not expected to reach collector status. Most owners find it is best to lease one, and replace it each year.Mikes Liquid Audio: Knowledge Experience Customer Service you can trust-KICKER WetSounds ACME props FlyHigh Custom Ballast Clarion LiquidLumens LEDs Roswell Wave Deflector And MoreComment
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Damn funny C'thrill...
A Guy is driving his girlfriend home when she decides she wants to go to her friends instead. Her friend lives out of the way so she tells her boyfriend that she would get naked for him if he drove her. The guy finally says ok and the girl takes off all her clothes. The boyfriend is so busy looking at her that he stacks the car and gets stuck between the steering wheel and the seat. He tells her to go get help and she replied that she couldn’t because she didn’t have any clothes on. He replies, “Take my shoe and cover your privates with it...and go for help!?
She takes the shoe and runs to the closest gas station. She finds the clerk and says, "Help, my boyfriend is stuck! Can you help us?" The clerk replies, "I’m sorry, I think he's too far in."my midlife crisis started at puberty and I plan on enjoying it all the way to the end..Comment
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Clinton dies and of course goes straight to hell. When he gets there the Devil greets him and offers him three ways to spend eternity. They go to the first door and the Devil shows him Newt Gingrich, hanging from the ceiling with fire under him. Bill says "Oh no! That’s not how I want to spend all eternity......." They go to the second door. The Devil shows him Rush Limbaugh chained to the wall being tortured. Bill says "Oh no! Not for me!"
They go to the third door. Behind it is Ken Starr, chained to the wall with Monica Lewinsky on her knees giving him a blowjob. Bill thinks and decides, "Hmmm, looks okay to me. I’ll take it." The Devil then says, "Good. Hey Monica, you’ve been replaced."my midlife crisis started at puberty and I plan on enjoying it all the way to the end..Comment
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^^^^ Poor Ken Starr
Mikes Liquid Audio: Knowledge Experience Customer Service you can trust-KICKER WetSounds ACME props FlyHigh Custom Ballast Clarion LiquidLumens LEDs Roswell Wave Deflector And MoreComment
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I am in the Landscape business.
Heres one I had happen the other day.
I hired a black guy who was not familiar with e tools we used.
I was teaching him the tools and use of them.
Here is a shovle and this is how you use it.
Here is a rake and this is what you do with it.
Here is a hoe and this is how I use it.
He quickly replied with...
My sister's a hoe and she looks nothing like that!Wake Up or Stay On Shore!Comment
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As someone who listens closely to all of your advice in the forum, I need your opinion/help... I really need your advice for a serious problem. I have suspected for some time now that the little woman has been cheating. The usual signs; phone rings and the caller hangs up, out with the girls a lot. I try to stay awake to look out for her when she comes home, but I usually fall asleep. Anyway, about midnight last night I hid in the shed behind the boat. When she came home, she got out of someones car buttoning her blouse, then she took her panties out of her purse and slipped them on....... it was at that moment while crouched behind the boat that I noticed a hairline crack in the outboard mouting bracket. Is that something I can weld or do I need to replace it?Comment
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Do you remember the entire joke it was sent to cell phonesComment
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Do you know the entire joke it was sent to cell phones about white house Christmas party nig nog jokeOriginally posted by chpthril View PostComment
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