Post your best joke thread

[chpthril]

A cowboy from Texas attends a social function where Barack Obama is trying to gather more support for his Health Plan. Once he discovers the cowboy is from President Bush's home area, he starts to belittle him by talking in a southern drawl and single syllable words.

As he was doing that, he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head. The cowboy says, "Y'all havin' some problem with them circle flies?"

Obama stopped talking and said, "Well, yes, if that's what
they're called, but I've never heard of circle flies."

"Well Sir," the cowboy replies, "circle flies hang around ranches. They're called circle flies because they're almost
always found circling around the back end of a horse."

"Oh," Obama replies as he goes back to rambling. But, a
moment later he stops and bluntly asks, "Are you calling me a horse's ***?"

No, Sir," the cowboy replies, "I have too much respect for the citizens of this country to call their President a horse's ***."

"That's a good thing," Obama responds and begins rambling on once more.

After a long pause, the cowboy, in his best Texas drawl says, "Hard to fool them flies, though."

[chpthril]

I'm A Democrat Because...


I'm a Democrat because I'm way too irresponsible to own a gun, and I know that my local police are all I need to protect me from murderers and thieves.

I'm a Democrat because I love the fact that I can now marry whatever I want. I've decided to marry my horse.

I'm a Democrat because I believe oil companies' profits of 4% on a gallon of gas are obscene but the government taxing the same gallon of gas at 15% isn't.

I'm a Democrat because I believe the government will do a better job of spending the money I earn than I would.

I'm a Democrat because freedom of speech is fine as long as nobody is offended by it.

I'm a Democrat because when we pull out of Iraq I trust that the bad guys will stop what they're doing because they now think we're good people.

I'm a Democrat because I believe that people who can't tell us if it will rain on Friday CAN tell us that the polar ice caps will melt away in ten years if I don't start driving a Prius.

I'm a Democrat because I'm not concerned about the slaughter of millions of babies, so long as we keep all death row inmates and al-Qaeda terrorists alive.

I'm a Democrat because I believe that business should not be allowed to make profits for themselves. They need to break even and give the rest away to the government for redistribution as THEY see fit.

I'm a Democrat because I believe liberal judges need to rewrite the Constitution every few days to suit some fringe kooks who would NEVER get their agendas past the voters.

I'm a Democrat because my head is so firmly planted up my rear, it's unlikely that I'll ever 'see the light of day' and have another point of view .

[chpthril]

*Union Rules & Hookers*
* *
*A dedicated Teamsters
union worker was attending a convention in Las Vegas and decided to check out the local brothels. When he got to the first one, he asked the Madam, 'Is this a union house?' **

**
'No,' she replied, 'I'm sorry it isn't.' **

**
'Well, if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?' **

**
'The house gets $80 and the girls get $20,' she answered **

**
Offended at such unfair dealings, the union man stomped off down the street in search of a more equitable, hopefully unionized shop. His search continued until finally he reached a brothel where the Madam responded, 'Why yes sir, this is a union house. **

**
We observe all union rules.' **

**
The man asked, 'And if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?' 'The girls get $80 and the house gets $20.' **

**
'That's more like it!' the union man said. **

**
He handed the Madam $100, looked around the room, and pointed to a stunningly attractive green-eyed blonde. **
**
**
**
**

'I'd like her,' he said. *

*
'I'm sure you would, sir,' said the Madam. Then she gestured to a 92-year old woman in the corner, 'but Ethel here has 67 years seniority and according to union rules, she's next.'

[wallacmc]

^^^^Nice one!^^^^ I'm using that tomorrow.

[chpthril]

Oilfield Math



Working in the oilfield with others such as myself and a wealth of combined experience we understand the accuracy of the following.

Think of it this way:

A clunker that travels 12,000 miles a year at 15 mpg uses 800 gallons of gas a year.

A vehicle that travels 12,000 miles a year at 25 mpg uses 480 gallons a year.

So, the average Cash for Clunkers transaction will reduce US gasoline consumption by 320 gallons per year.

They claim 700,000 vehicles so that's 224 million gallons saved per year.

That equates to a bit over 5 million barrels of oil.

5 million barrels is about 5 hours worth of US consumption.

More importantly, 5 million barrels of oil at $70 per barrel costs about $350 million dollars

So, the government paid $3 billion of our tax dollars to save $350 million.

We spent $8.57 for every dollar we saved.

I'm pretty sure they will do a great job with our health care, though.

[Guapo]

X2

[lightning59]

Amen chp!!!!

[chpthril]

Started My New Workout Routine

[chpthril]

Serious health alert news.

Serious health alert news.

Important!

-



Very important information has just been made public that I think is something you should all be aware of: Gonorrhea Lectim.


The Center for Disease Control has issued a warning about a new virulent strain of this old disease.

The disease is called Gonorrhea Lectim. It's pronounced "Gonna re-elect 'im."

The disease is contracted through dangerous and high risk behavior involving putting your cranium up your rectum.


Many victims contracted it in 2008 but now most people after having been infected for the past 1-2 years are starting to realize how destructive this sickness is. It's sad because it is so easily cured with a new procedure just coming on the market called Vo-tem-out!


You take the first dose/step in 2010 and the second dosage in 2012 and simply don't engage in such behavior again, otherwise it could become permanent and eventually wipe out all life as we know it.


Several states are already on top of this like Virginia and New Jersey , and apparently now Massachusetts with many more seeing the writing on the wall.



Please pass this important message on to all those bright folks you really care about

[eks]

Guy goes into a bar, there's a robot bartender.
The robot says, "What will you have?"
The guy says, "Martini."
The robot brings back the best martini ever and says to the man,
"What's your IQ?"
The guy says, "168."
The robot then proceeds to talk about physics,
space exploration and medical technology.
The guy leaves, but he is curious...


So he goes back into the bar.


The robot bartender says, "What will you have?"
The guy says, "Martini."
Again, the robot makes a great martini gives it to the man and says,
"What's your IQ?"
The guy says, "100."
The robot then starts to talk about NASCAR, Budweiser and John Deere tractors.
The guy leaves, but finds it very interesting,
so he thinks he will try it one more time.


He goes back into the bar.


The robot says, "What will you have?"
The guy says, "Martini," and the robot brings him another great martini.
The robot then says, "What's your IQ?"
The guy says, "Uh, about 50."
The robot leans in real close and says,
"So, you people still happy you voted for Obama?"

[chpthril]

Guy goes into a bar, there's a robot bartender.
The robot says, "What will you have?"
The guy says, "Martini."
The robot brings back the best martini ever and says to the man,
"What's your IQ?"
The guy says, "168."
The robot then proceeds to talk about physics,
space exploration and medical technology.
The guy leaves, but he is curious...


So he goes back into the bar.


The robot bartender says, "What will you have?"
The guy says, "Martini."
Again, the robot makes a great martini gives it to the man and says,
"What's your IQ?"
The guy says, "100."
The robot then starts to talk about NASCAR, Budweiser and John Deere tractors.
The guy leaves, but finds it very interesting,
so he thinks he will try it one more time.


He goes back into the bar.


The robot says, "What will you have?"
The guy says, "Martini," and the robot brings him another great martini.
The robot then says, "What's your IQ?"
The guy says, "Uh, about 50."
The robot leans in real close and says,
"So, you people still happy you voted for Obama?"

Oh SNAP

[Jeffe]

British Intelligence is warning that terrorist groups could fit women terrorists with exploding breast implants.

They knew it was only a matter of time before al Queda started setting booby traps...

[G-MONEY]

Now let me get this straight ...... we are trying to pass a health care
plan written by a committee whose chairman says he doesn't understand it,
passed by a congress that hasn't read it but exempts itself from it, to be
signed by a president that also is exempt from it and hasn't read it and
who smokes, with funding administered by a treasury chief who didn't pay
his taxes, all to be overseen by a surgeon general who is obese, and
financed by a country that's broke!

What could possibly go wrong?

[Guapo]

Now let me get this straight ...... we are trying to pass a health care
plan written by a committee whose chairman says he doesn't understand it,
passed by a congress that hasn't read it but exempts itself from it, to be
signed by a president that also is exempt from it and hasn't read it and
who smokes, with funding administered by a treasury chief who didn't pay
his taxes, all to be overseen by a surgeon general who is obese, and
financed by a country that's broke!

What could possibly go wrong?

That's why I'm a truly scared of what may happen this week...

[G-MONEY]

Obama Bingo- Here’s How To Play!



1. Before Obama's next televised speech, prepare your "Bullshit Bingo" card by drawing a square -- I find that 5" x 5" is a good size -- and dividing it into columns --five across and five down. That will give you 25 1-inch blocks.



2. Write one of the following words/phrases in each block:



· Restored our reputation

· Strategic fit

· Let me be clear

· Make no mistake

· Back from the brink

· Signs of recovery

· Out of the loop

· Benchmark

· Job creation

· Fiscal restraint

· Win-win

· Affordable health care

· Previous Administration

· Empower (or empowerment)

· Greed on Wall Street

· At the end of the day

· Empower (or empowerment)

· Touch base

· Mindset

· Corporate greed

· Ballpark

· Game plan

· Leverage

· Inherited as in "I inherited this mess”

· Relief for working families

3. Check off the appropriate block when you hear one of those words/phrases.

4. When you get five blocks horizontally, vertically, or diagonally, stand up and shout "BULLSHIT!"

Testimonials from past satisfied "Bullshit Bingo" players:


"I had been listening to the speech for only five minutes when I won."
- .S.King, Texas

"My attention span during speeches has improved dramatically."
- C, Perry , Alabama

"What a gas! Speeches will never be the same for me after my first win."
- M. Spelman, florida

“The atmosphere was tense in the last speech as 14 of us waited for the fifth box."
- Joe H, New Mexico

"The Bar was stunned as eight of us screamed "BULLSHIT!" for the third time in two hours."
- David B, Chattahoochee

I'm eagerly awaiting the "Pelosi" version.

Stan P, California