Post your best joke thread

[Weil Thing]

I have four (4) extra tickets for the Robbie Knievel (son of Evel Knievel) event at Cobo Hall in Detroit if anybody wants them.
He's going to try to jump over ten thousand (10,000) Obama supporters with a bulldozer.

Should be a good time.

Let me know..

[jwanck11]

Two Nuns are riding their bicycles down the back streets of Rome .... One leans over to the other and says, "I've never come this way before." The other Nun whispers, "It's the cobblestones."

[River Runner]

A husband and wife are traveling by car from Key West to Boston .

After almost twenty-four hours on the road, they're too tired to continue, and they decide to stop for a rest.

They stop at a nice hotel and take a room, but they only plan to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road. When they check out four hours later, the desk clerk hands them bill for $350.

The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high. He tells the clerk although it's a nice hotel, the rooms certainly aren't worth $350..

When the clerk tells him $350 is the standard rate, the man insists on speaking to the Manager.

The Manager appears, listens to the man, and then explains that the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center that were available for the husband and wife to use.

But we didn't use them,' the man complains. 'Well, they are here, an you could have,' explains the Manager. He goes on to explain they could have taken in one of the shows for which the hotel is famous. 'The best entertainers from New York , Hollywood and Las Vegas perform here,' the Manager says.

'But we didn't go to any of those shows,' complains the man again.

'Well, we have them, and you could have,' the Manager replies.

No matter what facility the Manager mentions, the man replies,

'But we didn't use it!'

The Manager is unmoved, and eventually the man gives up and agrees to pay.

He writes a check and gives it to the Manager.

The Manager is surprised when he looks at the check. 'But Sir,' he says, this check is only made out for $50.'

'That's correct,' says the man. 'I charged you $300 for sleeping with my wife.'

'But I didn't!' exclaims the Manager.

'Well, too bad,' the man replies. 'She was here and you could have.'

[ImaPigDog]

Dear wife:

I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you forever. I've been a good man to you for 7 years & I have nothing to show for it.
These last 2 weeks have been hell.

Your boss called to tell me that you quit your job today & that was the last straw. Last week, you came home & didn't even notice I had a new haircut, had cooked your favorite meal & even wore a brand new pair of silk boxers. You ate in 2 minutes, & went straight to sleep after watching all of your soaps. You don't tell me you love me anymore; you don't want sex or anything that connects us as husband & wife. Either you're cheating on me or you don't love me anymore; whatever the case, I'm gone.

Your EX-Husband
P.S. don't try to find me. Your SISTER & I are moving away to California together! Have a great life!


Dear Ex-Husband

Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter.

It's true you & I have been married for 7 years, although a good man is a far cry from what you've been. I watch my soaps so much because they drown out your constant whining & griping Too bad that doesn't work. I DID notice when you got a hair cut last week, but the 1st thing that came to mind was 'You look just like a girl!' Since my mother raised me not to say anything if you can't say something nice, I didn't comment. And when you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY SISTER, because I stopped eating pork 7 years ago. About those new silk boxers: I turned away from you because the $49.99 price tag was still on them, & I prayed it was a coincidence that my sister had just borrowed $50 from me that morning.

After all of this, I still loved you & felt we could work it out. So when I hit the lotto for 10 million dollars, I quit my job & bought us 2 tickets to Jamaica But when I got home you were gone.. Everything happens for a reason, I guess.

I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said that the letter you wrote ensures you won't get a dime from me.

So take care.

Signed,
Your Ex-Wife, Rich As Hell & Free!

P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this, but my sister Carla was born Carl.

I hope that's not a problem.

[chpthril]

Divorce or Murder


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A nice, calm, respectable lady went
into the pharmacy, walked up to the
pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said,
"I would like to
buy some cyanide."

The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need
cyanide?"

The lady replied, "I need it to poison my
husband."

The pharmacist's eyes got big and he exclaimed, "I
can't give you
cyanide to kill your husband. That's against the law! I
will lose my
license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of
bad things will
happen. Absolutely not!
You CANNOT have any cyanide!"

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of
her husband
at a fancy restaurant, having dinner with the
pharmacist's beautiful wife.

The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied,
"Well now, that's TOTALLY DIFFERENT. YOU DIDN'T
TELL ME YOU HAD A PRESCRIPTION."


I think we can all use this!



Just in case you are having a rough day, here is a stress management technique recommended in all the latest Psychological journals. The funny thing is that it really does work and will make you smile...

1. Picture yourself lying on your belly on a warm rock that hangs out over a crystal clear stream.

2. Picture yourself with both your hands dangling in the cool running water.

3. Birds are sweetly singing in the cool mountain air.

4. No one knows your secret place.

5. You are in total seclusion from that hectic place called the world.

6. The soothing sound of a gentle water fall fills the air with a cascade of serenity.

7. The water is so crystal clear that you can easily make out the face of the person you are holding underwater.

There!! See? It really does work. You're smiling already. Feel free to forward this if you know others who might benefit from this technique. Have a nice day.

[chpthril]

DOCTOR DOUG'S CURE FOR CONSTIPATION


If you are bothered by occasional or frequent constipation, look in the
mirror and repeat the following phrase three times in succession when
symptoms occur:

"My financial and personal well being are totally in the hands of Barack
Obama, Joe Biden, Harry Reid, Nancy Pelosi, Tim Geithner, Rahm Emanuel,
Barney Frank, Chris Dodd, and Al Gore"

If that doesn't scare the chit out of you, then you are probably destined
to be backed up for the rest of your life.

There is no need to thank me for this advice, I'm just doing a public service.

[chpthril]

GM's new "Signature" car

The new GM (Government Motors) proudly introduces the 2010 Obama...


This car runs on hot air and broken promises. It has three wheels that speed the vehicle through tight left turns. It comes complete with two Teleprompters programmed to help the occupants talk their way out of any violations. The transparent canopy reveals the plastic smiles still on the faces of all the "happy" owners.

Comes in S, M, L, XL and 2XL.

[thtrog]

^^^

[G-MONEY]

Government motors........

"the government will not going to run GM".....BS BS BS BS BS BS BS

[chpthril]

GM Consonlidates!

As a part of the bankruptcy proceedings, General Motors has announced that they are downsizing and moving into new quarters to be closer to their new management team. Since green is the new color for manufacturers, note that a recycling bin has been strategically located for easy access. Note also a senior manager purveying pertinent poop in the parking lot.

[chpthril]

For the company picnic, management decided that due to liability issues ,
we could have alcohol, but only one (1) drink per person.









I was fired for ordering the cups.

[dingleberry]

Gov. Sanford to PR Assistant:

No no no you idiot! I didn't say that I was "hiking the Appalacian Trail"...I said that I was "hitting that Argentinian tail"!

[jwanck11]

LO freaking L to both above!!!

[Timmy!]

So they finally decided what to do with Michael's body. Since he's 99% plastic, they're going to melt him down and turn him into Legos, so little kids can play with him again.

[G-MONEY]

OOOOOOO