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    WORST FIRST DATE STORY EVER

    If you didn't see this on the Tonight show, I hope you're sitting down
    when you read it. This is probably the funniest date story ever, first
    date or not!!! We have all had bad dates but this takes the cake.

    Jay Leno went into the audience to find the most embarrassing first date
    that a woman ever had. The winner described her worst first date
    experience.

    There was absolutely no question as to why her tale took the prize!

    She said it was midwinter...Snowing and quite cold... and the guy had
    taken her skiing in the mountains outside Salt Lake City , Utah .

    It was a day trip (no overnight). They were strangers, after all, and had
    never met before. The outing was fun but relatively uneventful until they
    were headed home late that afternoon.

    They were driving back down the mountain, when she gradually began to
    realize that she should not have had that extra latte. They were about an
    hour away from anywhere with a restroom and in the middle of nowhere! Her companion suggested she try to hold it, which she did for a while.
    Unfortunately, because of the heavy snow and slow going, there came a
    point where she told him that he had better stop and let
    her go beside the road, or it would be the front seat of his car

    They stopped and she quickly crawled out beside the car, yanked her pants down and started. In the deep snow she didn't have good footing, so she let her butt rest against the rear fender to steady herself. Her companion stood on the side of the car watching for traffic and indeed was a real gentleman and refrained from peeking. All she could think about was the relief she felt despite the rather embarrassing nature of the situation.

    Upon finishing however, she soon became aware of another sensation. As
    she bent to pull up her pants, the young lady discovered her buttocks
    were firmly glued against the car's fender. Thoughts of tongues frozen to
    poles immediately came to mind as she attempted to disengage her flesh
    from the icy metal. It was quickly apparent that she had a brand new
    problem, due to the extreme cold.

    Horrified by her plight and yet aware of the humor of the moment, she
    answered her date's concerns about' what is taking so long' with a reply
    that indeed, she was 'freezing her butt off' and in need of some
    assistance! He came around the car as she tried to cover herself with her sweater and then, as she looked imploringly into his eyes, he burst out laughing. She too, got the giggles and when they finally managed to compose themselves, they assessed her dilemma. Obviously, as hysterical as the situation was, they also were faced with a real problem.

    Both agreed it would take something hot to free her chilly cheeks from the grip of the icy metal! Thinking about what had gotten her into the
    predicament in the first place, both quickly realized that there was only
    one way to get her free. So, as she looked the other way, her first time
    date proceeded to unzip his pants and pee her butt off the fender.

    As the audience screamed in laughter, she took the Tonight Show prize
    hands down. Or perhaps that should be 'pants down.

    'And you thought your first date was embarrassing' was Jay Leno's comment...
    'This gives a whole new meaning to being pissed off.'

    Oh and how did the first date turn out? He became her husband and was
    sitting next to her on the Leno show.
    My dad always said "Stupid Hurts". He's yet to be proven wrong, but for some reason I keep trying.

    Comment


      Best joke ever:
      It's not an optical illusion.
      It just looks like one.....

      Comment


        May be a duplicate. But good for my 500th post

        Very cute I laugh every time I've read this:


        There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms.

        Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 am.

        The next day at 8:45 am there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door. The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee.

        He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entireproduction line behind schedule.



        The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the 2 men march down to the factory floor. When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up.
        At the end of the line stands Lena surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's. She has a roll of plush Red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles.

        The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs.

        The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter. After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches Lena .

        'I'm sorry,' he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, 'but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday...'

        'Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles.
        I don't want to go to work, take me wake surfing instead!

        Comment


          That one about the first date is hilarious. I'm sure that story never gets old. What an ice breaker that story would be. Oops I mean a iced bun breaker, from the fender.

          Great story, thanks for sharing wingnut
          I don't want to go to work, take me wake surfing instead!

          Comment


            JOSE CUERVO CHRISTMAS COOKIES


            1 cup of water
            1 tsp baking soda
            1 cup of sugar
            1 tsp salt
            1 cup or brown sugar
            4 large eggs
            1 cup nuts
            2 cups of dried fruit
            1 bottle Jose Cuervo Tequila



            Sample the Cuervo to check quality. Take a large bowl,
            check the Cuervo again, to be sure it is of the highest quality,
            pour one level glass and drink.

            Turn on the electric mixer. Beat one cup of butter
            in a large fluffy bowl.


            Add one peastoon of sugar. Beat again. At this point
            it's best to make sure the Cuervo is still ok, try another
            glass just in case.

            Turn off the mixerer thingy.

            Break 2 leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup
            of dried fruit.

            Pick the frigging fruit off the floor.

            Mix on the turner.

            If the fried druit gets duck in the steaters just pry
            it loose with a drewscriver.

            Sample the Cuervo to check for tonsisticity.

            Next, sift two cups of salt, or something. Who geeves
            a sheet. Check the Jose Cuervo. Now shift the lemon juice and strain
            your nuts.

            Add one table.

            Add a spoon of sugar, or somefink. Whatever you can
            find.

            Greash the oven.

            Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and try not to fall
            over.

            Don't forget to beat off the turner.



            Finally, throw the bowl through the window, finish the
            Cose Juervo and make sure to put the stove in the wishdasher.
            Cherry Mistmas !

            Hope you ejnoy yuor CHRIMAS ROOKiES......HAVE A GREAT DAY!
            Mikes Liquid Audio: Knowledge Experience Customer Service you can trust-KICKER WetSounds ACME props FlyHigh Custom Ballast Clarion LiquidLumens LEDs Roswell Wave Deflector And More

            Comment


              THE SOUTH --- YOU GOTTA LOVE IT



              Alabama



              A group of Alabama friends went deer hunting and paired off in twos for the day. That night, one of the hunters returned alone, staggering under the weight of an eight-point buck. 'Where's Henry?' the others asked.

              'Henry had a stroke of some kind. He's a couple of miles back up the trail,' the successful hunter replied. 'You left Henry laying out there and carried the deer back?' they inquired.



              'A tough call,' nodded the hunter. 'But I figured no one is going to steal Henry.'






              Texas





              The Sheriff pulled up next to the guy unloading garbage out of his pick-up into the ditch. The Sheriff asked, 'Why are you dumping garbage in the ditch? Don't you see that sign right over your head'.



              'Yep', he replied. 'That's why I dumpin it here, cause it says: 'Fine For Dumping Garbage'.




              Louisiana



              A senior at LSU was overheard saying... 'When the end of the world comes, I hope to be in Louisiana .' When asked why, he replied, 'Because everything happens in Louisiana 20 years later than in the rest of the civilized world.'






              Mississippi



              The young man from Mississippi came running into the store and said to his buddy, 'Bubba, somebody just stole your pickup truck from the parking lot!'



              Bubba replied, 'Did you see who it was?'



              The young man answered, 'I couldn't tell, but I got his license number.'




              Georgia



              A Georgia State trooper pulled over a pickup on I- 75. The trooper asked, 'Got any I. D. ?'



              The driver replied, 'Bout whut?'






              North Carolina



              A man in North Carolina had a flat tire, pulled off on the side of the road, and proceeded to put a bouquet of flowers in front of the car and one behind it. Then he got back in the car to wait. A passerby studied the scene as he drove by and was so curious he turned around and went back. He asked the fellow what the problem was.



              The man replied, 'I have a flat tire.'



              The passerby asked, 'But what's with the flowers?'



              The man responded, 'When you break down they tell you to put flares in the front and flares in the back. Hey, it don't make no sense to me neither.'




              Tennessee



              The owner of a golf course was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help. He called her into his office and said, You graduated from the University of Tennessee and I need some help. If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?'



              The secretary thought a moment, and then replied, 'Everything but my earrings.




              South Carolina



              'You can say what you want about the South, but I ain't never heard of anyone wanting to retire to the North.'
              Mikes Liquid Audio: Knowledge Experience Customer Service you can trust-KICKER WetSounds ACME props FlyHigh Custom Ballast Clarion LiquidLumens LEDs Roswell Wave Deflector And More

              Comment


                New Christmas drink at the White House this year

                They are serving a new Christmas drink at the White House
                this year.

                It's made with watermelon juice and vodka. It's
                called a>>>>>



                "Nig Nog".
                Mikes Liquid Audio: Knowledge Experience Customer Service you can trust-KICKER WetSounds ACME props FlyHigh Custom Ballast Clarion LiquidLumens LEDs Roswell Wave Deflector And More

                Comment


                  Medical Alert!

                  The Center for Disease Control has issued a medical alert about a highly contagious, potentially dangerous virus that is transmitted orally, by hand, and even electronically. This virus is called Weekly Overload Recreational Killer (WORK). If you receive WORK from your boss, any of your colleagues or anyone else via any means whatsoever - DO NOT TOUCH IT!!! This virus will wipe out your private life entirely. If you should come into contact with WORK, you should immediately leave the premises.

                  Take two good friends to the nearest grocery store and purchase one or both of the antidotes - Work Isolating Neutralizer Extract (WINE) and Bothersome Employer Elimination Rebooter (BEER). Take the antidote repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated from your system.
                  Mikes Liquid Audio: Knowledge Experience Customer Service you can trust-KICKER WetSounds ACME props FlyHigh Custom Ballast Clarion LiquidLumens LEDs Roswell Wave Deflector And More

                  Comment


                    LOL, good one!
                    Cursed by a fortune cookie: "Your principles mean more to you than any money or success."

                    Comment


                      Originally posted by chpthril View Post
                      They are serving a new Christmas drink at the White House
                      this year.

                      It's made with watermelon juice and vodka. It's
                      called a>>>>>


                      "Nig Nog".
                      Because the white house looks kind of like this now:
                      Attached Files
                      Be excellent to one another.

                      Comment


                        Originally posted by talltigeguy View Post
                        Because the white house looks kind of like this now:
                        LOL
                        Mikes Liquid Audio: Knowledge Experience Customer Service you can trust-KICKER WetSounds ACME props FlyHigh Custom Ballast Clarion LiquidLumens LEDs Roswell Wave Deflector And More

                        Comment


                          Why A Gun Is Better Than A Girlfriend

                          1. You can trade in your old 44 for a new 22.
                          2. You can have one gun at home and another when you're on the road.
                          3. If you admire a friend's gun and tell him so, he'll probably let you try it out.
                          4. One gun doesn't mind if you keep another gun for a backup.
                          5. Your gun stays with you even when you run out of ammo.
                          6. Guns don't take up much closet space.
                          7. Guns function normally every day of the month.
                          8. Your gun will never ask, "Do these new grips make me look fat?"
                          9. A gun doesn't mind when you go to sleep after using it.
                          10. AND, you can buy a silencer for a gun!
                          Be excellent to one another.

                          Comment


                            Originally posted by talltigeguy View Post
                            Why A Gun Is Better Than A Girlfriend

                            1. You can trade in your old 44 for a new 22.
                            2. You can have one gun at home and another when you're on the road.
                            3. If you admire a friend's gun and tell him so, he'll probably let you try it out.
                            4. One gun doesn't mind if you keep another gun for a backup.
                            5. Your gun stays with you even when you run out of ammo.
                            6. Guns don't take up much closet space.
                            7. Guns function normally every day of the month.
                            8. Your gun will never ask, "Do these new grips make me look fat?"
                            9. A gun doesn't mind when you go to sleep after using it.
                            10. AND, you can buy a silencer for a gun!
                            Mikes Liquid Audio: Knowledge Experience Customer Service you can trust-KICKER WetSounds ACME props FlyHigh Custom Ballast Clarion LiquidLumens LEDs Roswell Wave Deflector And More

                            Comment


                              Originally posted by chpthril View Post
                              JOSE CUERVO CHRISTMAS COOKIES


                              1 cup of water
                              1 tsp baking soda
                              1 cup of sugar
                              1 tsp salt
                              1 cup or brown sugar
                              4 large eggs
                              1 cup nuts
                              2 cups of dried fruit
                              1 bottle Jose Cuervo Tequila



                              Sample the Cuervo to check quality. Take a large bowl,
                              check the Cuervo again, to be sure it is of the highest quality,
                              pour one level glass and drink.

                              Turn on the electric mixer. Beat one cup of butter
                              in a large fluffy bowl.


                              Add one peastoon of sugar. Beat again. At this point
                              it's best to make sure the Cuervo is still ok, try another
                              glass just in case.

                              Turn off the mixerer thingy.

                              Break 2 leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup
                              of dried fruit.

                              Pick the frigging fruit off the floor.

                              Mix on the turner.

                              If the fried druit gets duck in the steaters just pry
                              it loose with a drewscriver.

                              Sample the Cuervo to check for tonsisticity.

                              Next, sift two cups of salt, or something. Who geeves
                              a sheet. Check the Jose Cuervo. Now shift the lemon juice and strain
                              your nuts.

                              Add one table.

                              Add a spoon of sugar, or somefink. Whatever you can
                              find.

                              Greash the oven.

                              Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and try not to fall
                              over.

                              Don't forget to beat off the turner.



                              Finally, throw the bowl through the window, finish the
                              Cose Juervo and make sure to put the stove in the wishdasher.
                              Cherry Mistmas !

                              Hope you ejnoy yuor CHRIMAS ROOKiES......HAVE A GREAT DAY!
                              that funny chp

                              Comment


                                One of MasterCraft's finest technicians was drafted and sent to boot camp. At the rifle range, he was given some instruction, a rifle, and bullets. He fired several shots at the target. The report came from the target area that all attempts had completely missed the target.
                                The technician looked at his rifle, and then at the target. He looked at the rifle again, and then at the target again. He put his finger over the end of the rifle barrel and squeezed the trigger with his other hand. The end of his finger was blown off, whereupon he yelled toward the target area, "It's leaving here just fine, the trouble must be at your end!"
                                Ambivalent? Yes. Or Not.

                                Comment

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