Post your best joke thread

[scoot18]

Go ahead and add in Jesse, al, and Louis

Can I get an Amen on that one brothers!

"Amen"

[hoopykat]

A MasterCraft owner buys two horses and he can't tell them apart. So he asks the farmer next door what to do. He says to cut one of their tails off. So he does. But then the other horse's tail gets caught in a bush and rips off. So he can't tell them apart again.
He asks the farmer for advice a second time. He tells him to cut one of the horses ears. So he does. But then the other horse gets its ear ripped in a barbed wire fence.
He is still confused. He asks the farmer what to do. He tells him to measure them.
He comes back and says, "The white horse is 2 inches taller than the black horse!"

[chpthril]

A MasterCraft owner buys two horses and he can't tell them apart. So he asks the farmer next door what to do. He says to cut one of their tails off. So he does. But then the other horse's tail gets caught in a bush and rips off. So he can't tell them apart again.
He asks the farmer for advice a second time. He tells him to cut one of the horses ears. So he does. But then the other horse gets its ear ripped in a barbed wire fence.
He is still confused. He asks the farmer what to do. He tells him to measure them.
He comes back and says, "The white horse is 2 inches taller than the black horse!"

I bet they were over-priced thoroughbreds he bought just to say he had one

[jwanck11]

DRIVING

Two elderly women were out driving in a large car - both could barely see over
the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to an intersection. The
stoplight was red, but they just went on through. The woman in the passenger
seat thought to herself 'I must be losing it. I could have sworn we just went
through a red light.'
After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection and the light was
red again. Again, they went right through. The woman in the passenger seat was
almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was
losing it. She was getting nervous.
At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was red and they went on
through. So, she turned to the other woman and said, 'Mildred, did you know that
we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us both!'
Mildred turned to her and said, 'Oh, crap, am I driving ?'

[jwanck11]

OLD FRIENDS:

Now this one is just too Precious...LOL!

Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years, they had
shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been
limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards. One day, they were playing
cards when one looked at the other and said, 'Now don't get mad at me .. I know
we've been friends for a long time, but I just can't think of your name! I've
thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is.'

Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared
at her. Finally she said, 'How soon do you need to know?'

[jwanck11]

FAMILY

Three sisters, ages 92, 94 and 96, live in a house together. One night the
96-year-old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses. She yells to the
other sisters, 'Was I getting in or out of the bath?'
The 94-year-old yells back, 'I don't know. I'll come up and see.' She starts up
the stairs and pauses 'Was I going up the stairs or down?'
The 92-year-old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening to her
sisters. She shakes her head and says, 'I sure hope I never get that forgetful,
knock on wood.' She then yells, 'I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I
see who's at the door.'

[hoopykat]

A man drinks a shot of whiskey every night before bed. After years of this, the wife wants him to quit; she gets two shot glasses, filling one with water and the other with whiskey.
After getting him to the table that had the glasses, she brings his bait box. She says "I want you to see this." She puts a worm in the water it, and it swims around.
She puts a worm in the whiskey, and the worm dies immediately. She then says, feeling that she has made her point clear, "what do you have to say about this experiment?"

He responds by saying: "If I drink whiskey, I won't get worms!"

[G-MONEY]

The most eye-opening civics lesson I ever had was while teaching third grade in 2000. The presidential election was heating up and some of the children showed an interest. I decided we would have an election for a class president. We would choose our nominees. They would make a campaign speech and the class would vote.

To simplify the process, candidates were nominated by other class members. We discussed what kinds of characteristics these students should have. We got many nominations and from those, Jamie and Olivia were picked to run for the top spot.

The class had done a great job in their selections. Both candidates were good kids. I thought Jamie might have an advantage because he got lots of parental support. I had never seen Olivia's mother. The day arrived when they were to make their speeches Jamie went first. He had specific ideas about how to make our class a better place. He ended by promising to do his very best. Everyone applauded.

He sat down and Olivia came to the podium. Her speech was concise. She said, "If you will vote for me, I will give you ice cream." She sat down. The class went wild. "Yes! Yes! We want ice cream."

She surely would say more. She did not have to. A discussion followed. How did she plan to pay for the ice cream? She wasn't sure. Would her parents buy it or would the class pay for it? She didn't know. The class really didn't care. All they were thinking about was ice cream. Jamie was forgotten. Olivia won by a land slide.

Every time Barack Obama opened his mouth he offered ice cream, and fifty percent of America reacts like nine-year-olds. They wanted ice cream. The other fifty percent know they're going to have to feed the cow.

[Fast1911]

The most eye-opening civics lesson I ever had was while teaching third grade in 2000. The presidential election was heating up and some of the children showed an interest. I decided we would have an election for a class president. We would choose our nominees. They would make a campaign speech and the class would vote.

To simplify the process, candidates were nominated by other class members. We discussed what kinds of characteristics these students should have. We got many nominations and from those, Jamie and Olivia were picked to run for the top spot.

The class had done a great job in their selections. Both candidates were good kids. I thought Jamie might have an advantage because he got lots of parental support. I had never seen Olivia's mother. The day arrived when they were to make their speeches Jamie went first. He had specific ideas about how to make our class a better place. He ended by promising to do his very best. Everyone applauded.

He sat down and Olivia came to the podium. Her speech was concise. She said, "If you will vote for me, I will give you ice cream." She sat down. The class went wild. "Yes! Yes! We want ice cream."

She surely would say more. She did not have to. A discussion followed. How did she plan to pay for the ice cream? She wasn't sure. Would her parents buy it or would the class pay for it? She didn't know. The class really didn't care. All they were thinking about was ice cream. Jamie was forgotten. Olivia won by a land slide.

Every time Barack Obama opened his mouth he offered ice cream, and fifty percent of America reacts like nine-year-olds. They wanted ice cream. The other fifty percent know they're going to have to feed the cow.

[chpthril]

The most eye-opening civics lesson I ever had was while teaching third grade in 2000. The presidential election was heating up and some of the children showed an interest. I decided we would have an election for a class president. We would choose our nominees. They would make a campaign speech and the class would vote.

To simplify the process, candidates were nominated by other class members. We discussed what kinds of characteristics these students should have. We got many nominations and from those, Jamie and Olivia were picked to run for the top spot.

The class had done a great job in their selections. Both candidates were good kids. I thought Jamie might have an advantage because he got lots of parental support. I had never seen Olivia's mother. The day arrived when they were to make their speeches Jamie went first. He had specific ideas about how to make our class a better place. He ended by promising to do his very best. Everyone applauded.

He sat down and Olivia came to the podium. Her speech was concise. She said, "If you will vote for me, I will give you ice cream." She sat down. The class went wild. "Yes! Yes! We want ice cream."

She surely would say more. She did not have to. A discussion followed. How did she plan to pay for the ice cream? She wasn't sure. Would her parents buy it or would the class pay for it? She didn't know. The class really didn't care. All they were thinking about was ice cream. Jamie was forgotten. Olivia won by a land slide.

Every time Barack Obama opened his mouth he offered ice cream, and fifty percent of America reacts like nine-year-olds. They wanted ice cream. The other fifty percent know they're going to have to feed the cow.

X2

[hoopykat]

A Tigé owner walks into a bar. He's a rather large, menacing guy. He orders a beer, chugs it back, and bellows, "All you MasterCraft owners on this side of the bar are a bunch of idiots!" A sudden silence descends.
After a moment he asks "Anyone got a problem with that?" The silence lengthens.
He then chugs back another beer and growls, "And all you Malibu owners on the other side of the bar are all scum!" Once again, the bar is silent.
He looks around belligerently and roars, "Anyone got a problem with that?" A lone man gets up from his stool unsteadily and starts to walk towards the man.

"You got a problem, buddy?", asks the Tige´owner...

"Oh no...I'm just on the wrong side of the bar."

[Original Wing Nut]

A man, while playing on the front nine of a complicated golf course
Became confused as to where he was on the course.

Looking around, he saw a lady playing ahead of him.

He walked up to her, explained his confusion and asked her if she knew what hole he was playing. 'I'm on the 7th hole,' she replied, 'and you are a hole behind me. So you must be on the 6th hole.' He thanked her and went back to his golf.
On the back nine, the same thing happened and he approached her again with the same request. I'm on number 14, and you're
still a hole behind, so you must be on the 13th hole.'
Once again he thanked her and returned to his play.
He finished his round and went to the clubhouse where he saw the same lady
sitting at the end of the bar. He asked the bartender if he knew the
lady. The bartender said that she was a sales lady and played the course
often.

He approached her and said, 'Let me buy you a drink in
appreciation for your help. I understand that you're in the sales
profession. I'm in sales also. What do you sell?' 'I'll tell you, but
you're going to laugh,' she replied. 'No, I won't.' 'Well, if you must
know,' she answered, 'I work for Tampax.'

With that, he laughed so hard he lost his balance and fell off the bar stool.
'See,' she said. 'I knew you'd laugh!'

'That's not what I'm laughing at,' he replied, 'I'm a salesman for Preparation H, so I'm still a hole behind
you!

[talltigeguy]

Financial planning....

Brian was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business.
When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed a wife with which to share his fortune.
One evening at an investment meeting he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen.
Her natural beauty took his breath away. "I may look like just an ordinary man," he said to her, but in just a few years, my father will die, and I'll inherit $20 million."
Impressed, the woman obtained his business card and three days later, she became his stepmother.

Women are so much better at financial planning than men.

[xpjim1]

How to make the decision.......

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Customers and Suppliers:

As the CEO of a business that employees 140 people, I have resigned myself to the fact that Barrack Obama will be our next President, and that our taxes and government fees will increase in a BIG way.

To compensate for these increases, I figure that our customers will have to see an increase in our prices of about 8%. However, since we cannot increase prices right now due to the dismal state of our economy, we will have to lay off six of our employees instead. This has really been eating at me for a while, as we believe we are family here and I didn't know how to choose who will have to go.

So, this is what I did. I walked thru our parking lot and found 6 Obama bumper stickers on our employees' cars and have decided these folks will be the first to be laid off. I can't think of a more fair way to approach this problem. These folks wanted change; I gave it to them.

If you have a better idea, let me know.

Sincerely,

Employer

[chpthril]

Mrs. Donovan was walking down O'Connell Street in Dublin when she met up with Father Flaherty.
The Father said, 'Top O' the mornin' to ye! Aren't ye Mrs. Donovan and didn't I marry ye and yer hoosband two years ago?'





She replied, 'Aye, that ye did, Father.'

The Father asked, 'And be there any wee little ones yet?'

She replied, 'No, not yet, Father.'

The Father said, 'Well now, I'm going to Rome next week and I'll light a candle for ye and yer hoosband.'

She replied, 'Oh, thank ye, Father.' They then parted ways.

Some years later they met again. The Father asked, 'Well now, Mrs. Donovan, how are ye these days?'

She replied, 'Oh, very well, Father!'

The Father asked, 'And tell me, have ye any wee ones yet?'

She replied, 'Oh yes, Father! Three sets of twins

and four singles, ten in all!'

The Father said, 'That's wonderful! How is yer lovin' hoosband doin'?'

She replied, 'E's gone to Rome to blow out yer fookin' candle.'