Post your best joke thread

[G-MONEY]

HA HA HA HA

[LovinPowell]

I wish that I could take credit for these, but I found them on wayneswords.com

Never Argue with a Woman

One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and reads her book.

Along comes a Game Warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, 'Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?'
'Reading a book,' she replies, (thinking, 'Isn't that obvious?')
'You're in a Restricted Fishing Area,' he informs her
'I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading'
'Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up.'
'For reading a book,' she replies,
'You're in a Restricted Fishing Area,' he informs her again,
'I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading'
'Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up.'
'If you do that, I'll have to charge you with Sexual assault,' says the woman.
'But I haven't even touched you,' says the game warden.
'That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment.'
'Have a nice day ma'am,' and he left.

[LovinPowell]

another one:

Ladies of the board can change the gender....

An elderly man went into a Chevy dealership and bought the hottest red 'vette convertible on the lot. He promply slipped out onto the freeway and put his foot into it. As the speedometer passed 90, he sped by a parked highway patrol officer who promptly gave chase with lights and siren. When he saw the lights in the rearview mirror, he decided to have some fun and floored it. Soon he was leaving the cop in the dust, but after several minutes came to his senses and decided he better comply and pull over. The officer pulled in behind himn and walked up to the car. Seeing it was such an old man he said...."Sir...I admire your moxie and youthful spirit here, but you were breaking some serious laws here....tell you what...I go off shift here in about ten minutes and if you can give me just ONE good reason why I shouldn't throw the book at you for running from me, I will let you go....

The old man looked up at him...hesitated a moment and said..."well sir....about 20 years ago my wife ran off with a highway patrolman....I was afraid you were bringing her back....

The officer smiled and looked back at him and said..."youre free to go...."

[LovinPowell]

one more:

Ole Pete was stopped by a game warden in Arizona as he was returning to his motorhome with a bucket full of still-alive fish.

"Do you have a license to catch those fish?" the game warden asked.

"No, sir. These are my pet fish," Pete replied.

"Pet fish?" the warden asked. "Yes, sir. Every night I take these fish down to the lake where I'm camped and let them swim around for awhile. When they hear my whistle, they jump right back into the bucket and I take them back to the motorhome."

"That's a bunch of baloney," the game warden said as he reached for his pad of citations.

Ole Pete looked at the game warden for a moment and then said, "If you don't believe me, then follow me back to the lake to see how it works."

Still suspicious, but curious, the game warden agreed. And so they walked to the lake. There, Pete poured the fish into the lake, where they disappeared into the water. "Okay," said the game warden. "Call them back."

"Call who back?"

"The fish," replied the warden.

"What fish?" asked Pete.

[chpthril]

Leave it to the Irish to cut through the crap and make the whole issue crystal clear...



Thoughts from across the pond
An email from Ireland to the brethren in the States...a point to ponder despite your political affiliation:

'We, in Ireland, can't figure out why people are even bothering to hold an election in the United States! On one side, you have a pants wearing woman lawyer, married to a lawyer who can't keep his pants on, who just lost a long and heated primary against a lawyer who goes to the wrong church who is married to yet another lawyer who doesn't even like the country her husband wants to run.

Now...On the other side, you have a nice old war hero whose name starts with the appropriate "Mc" terminology married to a good looking younger woman who owns a beer distributorship.

What in Lord's name are ye lads thinking over there in the colonies??

[chpthril]

THE PATRIOT MICRO CHIP

THE
PATRIOT MICRO CHIP is intended to be implanted in terrorists.

The implant is specifically designed to be installed in the
forehead.

When properly installed it will allow the
implantee to speak to God.



It
comes in various sizes:



The
Implantee may or may not be allowed to choose the size.


The
implant may or may not be painless.

Some bleeding and or swelling may
occur at the injection site



Please enjoy the
security we provide for you.

Best regards,

The
UNITED STATES MARINE CORPS

[chpthril]

Young Chuck, moved to Montana and bought a horse from a farmer for $100. The farmer agreed to deliver the horse the next day. The next day he drove up and said, 'Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the horse died.'

Chuck replied, 'Well, then just give me my money back.'

The farmer said, 'Can't do that. I went and spent it already.'

Chuck said, 'Ok, then, just bring me the dead horse.'

The farmer asked, 'What ya gonna do with him?

Chuck said, 'I'm going to raffle him off.'

The farmer said, 'You can't raffle off a dead horse!'

Chuck said, 'Sure I can Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he's dead.'

A month later, the farmer met up with Chuck and asked, 'What happened with that dead horse?'

Chuck said, 'I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars a piece and made a profit of $998.'

The farmer said, 'Didn't anyone complain?'

Chuck said, 'Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back.'

Chuck grew up and works for the government

[chpthril]

SUSIE LEE DONE FELL IN LOVE,
SHE PLANNED TO MARRY JOE.
SHE WAS SO HAPPY 'BOUT IT ALL,
SHE TOLD HER PAPPY SO.

PAPPY TOLD HER, ''SUSIE GAL,
YOU'LL HAVE TO FIND ANOTHER.
I'D JUST AS SOON YO' MA DON'T KNOW,
BUT JOE IS YO' HALF BROTHER.''

SO SUSIE PUT ASIDE HER JOE,
AND PLANNED TO MARRY WILL...
BUT AFTER TELLING PAPPY THIS,
HE SAID, ''THERE'S TROUBLE STILL.''

''YOU CAN'T MARRY WILL, MY GAL,
AND PLEASE DON'T TELL YO' MOTHER.
BUT WILL AND JOE, AND SEVERAL MO'
I KNOW IS YO' HALF BROTHER.''

BUT MAMA KNEW, AND SAID, ''MY CHILD,
JUST DO WHAT MAKES YOU HAPPY.
MARRY WILL, OR MARRY JOE...
YOU AIN'T NO KIN TO PAPPY.''

Brings a tear to yer eye, don't it?

[chpthril]

One day a florist goes to a barber for a haircut. After the cut he asked about his bill and the barber replies, 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The florist was pleased and left the shop. When the barber goes to open his shop the next morning there is a 'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.


Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replies, 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The cop is happy and leaves the shop. The next morning when the barber goes to open up there is a 'thank you' card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.


Later that day, a college professor comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replies, 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The professor is very happy and leaves the shop.. The next morning when the barber opens his shop, there is a 'thank you' card and a dozen different books, such as 'How to Improve Your Business' and 'Becoming More Successful.


Then, a Congressman comes in for a haircut, and when he goes to pay his bill the barber again replies, 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The Congressman is very happy and leaves the shop. The next morning when the barber goes to open up, there are a dozen Congressmen lined up waiting for a free haircut.


And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between the citizens of our country and the members of our Congress.


Vote carefully this year

[chpthril]

One of the few political philosophies I endorse. WORK

I was talking to a friend of mine's little girl the other day.

I asked her what she wanted to be when she grew up and she replied, "I
want to be President!" Both of her parents are liberal Democrats and were
standing there.

So then I asked her, "If you were President what would be the
first thing you would do?"

She replied, "I'd give houses to all the homeless
people."

"Wow - what a worthy goal." I told her, "You don't have to wait until
you're President to do that. You can come over to my house and
mow, pull weeds, and sweep my yard, and I'll pay you $50. Then I'll
take you over to the grocery store where this homeless guy hangs out, and you can
give him the $50 to use toward a new house."

Since she is only 6, she thought that over for a few seconds. While
her Mom glared at me, she looked me straight in the eye and asked,
"Why doesn't the homeless guy come over and do the work, and you can
just pay him the $50?"

And I said, "Welcome to the Republican Party."

Her folks still aren't talking to me

[dogbert]

One of the few political philosophies I endorse. WORK

I was talking to a friend of mine's little girl the other day.

I asked her what she wanted to be when she grew up and she replied, "I
want to be President!" Both of her parents are liberal Democrats and were
standing there.

So then I asked her, "If you were President what would be the
first thing you would do?"

She replied, "I'd give houses to all the homeless
people."

"Wow - what a worthy goal." I told her, "You don't have to wait until
you're President to do that. You can come over to my house and
mow, pull weeds, and sweep my yard, and I'll pay you $50. Then I'll
take you over to the grocery store where this homeless guy hangs out, and you can
give him the $50 to use toward a new house."

Since she is only 6, she thought that over for a few seconds. While
her Mom glared at me, she looked me straight in the eye and asked,
"Why doesn't the homeless guy come over and do the work, and you can
just pay him the $50?"

And I said, "Welcome to the Republican Party."

Her folks still aren't talking to me

LOL.

[balair]

chp that last one was hilarious

[chpthril]

chp that last one was hilarious

Try this one

The Presidential election was too close to call. Neither the Republican candidate nor the Democratic candidate had enough votes to win. There was much talk about ballot recounting, court challenges, etc., but a week-long ice fishing competition seemed the sportsmanlike way to settle things. The candidate that caught the most fish at the end of the week would win the election.

Therefore, it was decided that there should be an ice fishing contest between the two candidates to determine the winner.

After much of back and forth discussion, it was decided that the contest take place on a remote frozen lake in northern Minnesota .

There were to be no observers present, and both men were to be sent out separately on this isolated lake and return at 5 P.M. With their catch for counting and verification by a team of neutral parties. At the end of the first day, John McCain returned to the starting line and he had ten fish.

Soon, Obama returned and had no fish. Well, everyone assumed he was just having another 'bad hair' day or something and hopefully, he would catch up the next day.

At the end of the 2nd day John McCain came in with 20 fish and Obama came in again with none.

That evening, Harry Reid got together secretly with Obama and said, 'Obama, I think John McCain is a low-life, cheatin' son-of-a-gun. I want you to go out tomorrow and don't even bother with fishing. Just spy on him and see just how he is cheating.'

The next night (after John McCain returns with 50 fish), Harry said to Obama, 'Well, tell me, how is John cheating?'

Obama replied, 'Harry, you're not going to believe this, but he's cutting holes in the ice.'


Experience Counts!

[chpthril]

Computer Error:
I was having trouble with my computer. So I called Richard, the 11 year
Old next door whose bedroom looks like Mission Control, and asked him to
Come over.

Richard clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.

As he was walking away, I called after him, 'So, what was wrong?

He replied, 'It was an ID ten T error.'

I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, 'An, ID
Ten T error? What's that? In case I need to fix it again.'

Richard grinned. 'Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error
Before?''

No,' I replied.

'Write it down,' he said, 'and I think you'll figure it
Out.'

So I wrote down: I D 1 0 T

I used to like the little $h!t.

[da.bell]

Computer Error:
I was having trouble with my computer. So I called Richard, the 11 year
Old next door whose bedroom looks like Mission Control, and asked him to
Come over.

Richard clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.

As he was walking away, I called after him, 'So, what was wrong?

He replied, 'It was an ID ten T error.'

I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, 'An, ID
Ten T error? What's that? In case I need to fix it again.'

Richard grinned. 'Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error
Before?''

No,' I replied.

'Write it down,' he said, 'and I think you'll figure it
Out.'

So I wrote down: I D 1 0 T

I used to like the little $h!t.

We use to send Marines up and down hills looking for a stupid ID10T Form while stationed in HI. They were a little sweaty after a few of those trips.