Post your best joke thread

[Domsz06]

wow some nice jokes, and I love the military one's!

[G-MONEY]

Monkeys


Once upon a time in a village, a man appeared and announced to the villagers that he would buy monkeys for $10 each.

The villagers seeing that there were many monkeys around, went out to the forest, and started catching them. The man bought thousands at $10 and as supply started to diminish, the villagers stopped their effort. He further announced that he would now buy at $20. This renewed the efforts of the villagers and they started Catching monkeys again.

Soon the supply diminished even further and people started going back to their farms. The offer increased to $25 each and the supply of monkeys became so little that it was an effort to even see a monkey, let alone catch it!

The man now announced that he would buy monkeys at $50! However, since he had to go to the city on some business, his assistant would now buy on behalf of him.

In the absence of the man, the assistant told the villagers. "Look at all these monkeys in the big cage that the man has collected. I will sell them to you at $35 and when the man returns from the city, you can sell them to him for $50 each."

The villagers rounded up with all their savings and bought all the monkeys. Then they never saw the man nor his assistant, only monkeys everywhere!

Now you have a better understanding of how the stock market works.

so true

[da.bell]

Spread the Stupidity

...

Only in America .......do we leave cars
worth thousands of dollars in the
driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.

...

Maybe for most people but my boat is in that space where the cars should be.

[talltigeguy]

His and Her diaries.

Her Diary:





Tonight: I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a bar to have a drink. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it. Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he didn't say much. I asked him what was wrong; he said, "Nothing." I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it.




On the way home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and kept driving. I can't explain his behavior. I don't know why he didn't say, "I love you, too." When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there quietly, and watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent.



Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later, he came to bed. To my surprise, he responded to my caress, and we made love. But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep – I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else.



My life is a disaster.









His Diary:





Missed a big deer today, but at least I got laid.

[Domsz06]

Her Diary:





Tonight: I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a bar to have a drink. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it. Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he didn't say much. I asked him what was wrong; he said, "Nothing." I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it.




On the way home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and kept driving. I can't explain his behavior. I don't know why he didn't say, "I love you, too." When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there quietly, and watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent.



Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later, he came to bed. To my surprise, he responded to my caress, and we made love. But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep – I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else.



My life is a disaster.









His Diary:





Missed a big deer today, but at least I got laid.

ha ha ha

[chpthril]

Need Directions?

This is one time I dont need to stop and ask for directions

Boy, talk about profetic sign painters. This guy got it right!

Checking Google, there are two cities with these names in South Carolina.
This picture could have been taken in Kinards, SC where State Route 560 dead
ends at US 76. Clinton is clearly to the LEFT and Prosperity is cleary to
the RIGHT.

[Lunchbox]

Blizzard Advice

It was snowing heavily and blowing to the point that visibility was almost zero when the little blonde got off work.

She made her way to her car and wondered how she was going to make it home.

She sat in her car while it warmed up and thought about her situation.

She finally remembered her daddy's advice that if she got caught in a blizzard she should wait for a snow plow to come by and follow it. That way she would not get stuck in a snow drift.

This made her feel much better and sure enough in a little while a snow plow went by and she started to follow it.

As she followed the snow plow she was feeling very smug as they continued and she was not having any problem with the blizzard conditions.

After an hour had passed, she was somewhat surprised when the snowplow stopped and the driver got out and came back to her car and signaled for her to roll down her window.

The snow plow driver wanted to know if she was all right as she had been following him for a long time.

She said that she was fine and told him of her daddy's advice to follow a snow plow when caught in a blizzard.

The driver replied that it was OK with him and she could continue if she wanted, but he was done with the Walmart parking lot and was going over to Sears next.

[Tanner]

Ok this one hits close to home as my dad and me were always trying to get my mom to eat deer, or wild turkey, or pheasant, or w/e we would bring home.....


So a father was serving a deer he had shot to his family. They asked what it was.... he said, "I'll give you a clue.... it's what your mother always calls me". The oldest boy yells out..... "DON'T EAT IT, IT'S A ****!"

[chpthril]

I have a friend who who has a friend who is president of his homeowners association in the Dallas, Texas suburbs. They were having a terrible problem with litter near some of his association's homes. The reason according to Wallace (my friend) is that six very large, luxurious new houses are being built right next to their community.



The trash was coming from the Mexican laborers working at the construction sites and included bags from McDonald's, Burger King and 7-11, plus coffee cups, napkins, cigarette butts, coke cans, empty bottles, etc. He went to see the site supervisor and even the general contractor, politely urging them to get their workers not to litter the neighborhood, to no avail. He called the city, county, and police and got no help there either.


So here's what his community did. They organized about twenty folks, named themselves The "Inner Neighborhood Services" group, and arranged to go out at lunch time and "police" the trash themselves. It is what they did while picking up the trash that is so hilarious. They bought navy blue baseball caps and had the initials "INS" embroidered in gold on the caps. It doesn't take a rocket scientist to understand what they hoped people might mistakenly think the letters really stand for.



After the Inner Neighborhood Services group's first lunch time pickup detail, with all of them wearing their caps and some carrying cameras, 46 out of the total of 68 construction workers did not show up for work the next morning -- and haven't come back yet. It has been ten days now.


The General Contractor, I'm told, is madder than hell, but can't say anything publicly because he could be busted for hiring illegal aliens. Wallace and his bunch can't be accused of impersonating federal personnel, because they have the official name of the group recorded in their homeowner association minutes along with a notation about the vote to approve formation of the new subcommittee -- and besides, they informed the INS in advance of their plans and according to Wallace, the INS said basically, "Have at it!"



SO, FOLKS, I THINK YOU COULD SAY THAT TEXAS INGENUITY TRIUMPHS AGAIN!



Reminder: Remember to pay your taxes...12 million illegal aliens are depending on you

[Domsz06]

I have a friend who who has a friend who is president of his homeowners association in the Dallas, Texas suburbs. They were having a terrible problem with litter near some of his association's homes. The reason according to Wallace (my friend) is that six very large, luxurious new houses are being built right next to their community.



The trash was coming from the Mexican laborers working at the construction sites and included bags from McDonald's, Burger King and 7-11, plus coffee cups, napkins, cigarette butts, coke cans, empty bottles, etc. He went to see the site supervisor and even the general contractor, politely urging them to get their workers not to litter the neighborhood, to no avail. He called the city, county, and police and got no help there either.


So here's what his community did. They organized about twenty folks, named themselves The "Inner Neighborhood Services" group, and arranged to go out at lunch time and "police" the trash themselves. It is what they did while picking up the trash that is so hilarious. They bought navy blue baseball caps and had the initials "INS" embroidered in gold on the caps. It doesn't take a rocket scientist to understand what they hoped people might mistakenly think the letters really stand for.



After the Inner Neighborhood Services group's first lunch time pickup detail, with all of them wearing their caps and some carrying cameras, 46 out of the total of 68 construction workers did not show up for work the next morning -- and haven't come back yet. It has been ten days now.


The General Contractor, I'm told, is madder than hell, but can't say anything publicly because he could be busted for hiring illegal aliens. Wallace and his bunch can't be accused of impersonating federal personnel, because they have the official name of the group recorded in their homeowner association minutes along with a notation about the vote to approve formation of the new subcommittee -- and besides, they informed the INS in advance of their plans and according to Wallace, the INS said basically, "Have at it!"



SO, FOLKS, I THINK YOU COULD SAY THAT TEXAS INGENUITY TRIUMPHS AGAIN!



Reminder: Remember to pay your taxes...12 million illegal aliens are depending on you

HA HA HA!! THAT IS FREAKING HILARIOUS!!

[G-MONEY]

Reminder: Remember to pay your taxes...12 million illegal aliens are depending on you

[Domsz06]

Reminder: Remember to pay your taxes...12 million illegal aliens are depending on you

i filed mine monday. find out two weeks what I get.

[CP3]

thats a pretty good one

[G-MONEY]

i filed mine monday. find out two weeks what I get.

I'm only getting about $600 back



I have it set up that I get the most out of my paychecks eff the gov. they don't get to hold my money then give it back to me at the end of the year.

[philwsailz]

So there was a penguin driving through town. His car overheated. The penguin decided to drop the car off with a mechanic, who said the repair would be about an hour.

The penguin was hot, so he decided to go to the ice cream parlor to cool off while the mechanic was looking at his car. He decided to have a banana split to pass the time.

After an hour, the penguin went back to get the car. The mechanic looked up and said: "Looks like you blew a seal"

The penguin replied wiping his face: "nope, just some vanilla ice cream"