Post your best joke thread

[philwsailz]

There is a right way and a wrong way to pronounce

Oklahoma

The Proper Way is:

" Okla . . . Homa"

(There's a pause between the "a" and the "h".)

I can prove it.

That is my neice.....

[Domsz06]

really phil? you should introduce me

[philwsailz]

not really..

Actually my wife....

[Domsz06]

ha ha, now I know your lying!!

[philwsailz]

hee hee heeee..

The were once two old maids from Nanucket...

nevermind....

[G-MONEY]

HOW TRUE THIS IS!


9 WORDS WOMEN USE

1. Fine : This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.

2. Five Minutes : If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

3. Nothing : This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.

4. Go Ahead : This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!

5. Loud Sigh : This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to #3 for the meaning of nothing.)

6. That's Okay : This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

7. Thanks : A woman is thanking you, do not question, or faint. Just say you're welcome.

8. Whatever : Is a women's way of saying F@!K YOU!

9. Don't worry about it, I got it : Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking "What's wrong?" For the woman's response refer to #3.

[CP3]

So true

[slacker661]

Oh so true.

[chpthril]

The Jayne Carroll Show is a political talk radio program that airs daily in
the Portland, Oregon, metropolitan area... Carroll asked her audience to
come up with an official name for the Clinton $1.7 million house in
Chappaqua, New York. Carroll's call-in contest required the names to be in
relatively good taste, to be original, and to capture the essence of one or
both of the Clintons. The response was overwhelming! Some names nominated
for the Clintons' New York house included:



Perjurers' Palace
HillBilly Villa
The House of Bill's Repute
Drawers Downs
Cheatem Estates
Sin Simeon
The Knee Pad
The White Trash House
The Blight House
The Panderosa
Liars' Lair
Bill & Hill's Bribe & Breakfast
The Clinton Compost
Dog patch on the Hudson
The Hen House
The Out House
The Love Shack
The House of Seven Felonies
Motel Sex



But the clear, hands-down winner was - DISGRACELAND



It does have a certain fitting ring to it, don't you think..

[chpthril]

U.S. Military prepares for the Democrats to take over in 2008

[chpthril]

Spread the Stupidity

Only in America ......do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to
the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people
can buy cigarettes at the front.




Only in America ......do people order double cheeseburgers, large
fries, and a diet coke.




Only in America ......do banks leave both doors open and then chain the
pens to the counters.




Only in America .......do we leave cars
worth thousands of dollars in the
driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.






Only in America
.......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of
eight.




Only in America
.... ...do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.




EVER WONDER ...




Why the sun
lightens our hair, but darkens our skin ?




Why women can't
put on mascara with their mouth closed?




Why don't you
ever see the headline 'Psychic Wins Lottery'?




Why is
'abbreviated' such a long word?




Why is it that
doctors call what they do 'practice'?




Why is lemon
juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real
lemons?




Why is the man
who invests all your money called a broker?




Why is the time
of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?




Why isn't there
mouse-flavored cat food?




Why didn't Noah
swat those two mosquitoes?




Why do they
sterilize the needle for lethal injections?




You know that
indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't they make
the whole plane out of that stuff?!




Why don't sheep
shrink when it rains?



Why are they
called apartments when they are all stuck together?




If con is the
opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?



If flying is so
safe,
why do they call
the airport the terminal?

[tigeboarder1122]

A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.

"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."

HAHA...

[tigeboarder1122]

0 to 200 in 6 seconds
Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was
really pissed.

She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the
driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"

The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke
up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box
gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.

Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought
the box back in the house.

She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Bob has been missing since Friday.

Sorry I just started looking at this post.

[CP3]

U.S. Military prepares for the Democrats to take over in 2008

No kidding

[chpthril]

Monkeys


Once upon a time in a village, a man appeared and announced to the villagers that he would buy monkeys for $10 each.

The villagers seeing that there were many monkeys around, went out to the forest, and started catching them. The man bought thousands at $10 and as supply started to diminish, the villagers stopped their effort. He further announced that he would now buy at $20. This renewed the efforts of the villagers and they started Catching monkeys again.

Soon the supply diminished even further and people started going back to their farms. The offer increased to $25 each and the supply of monkeys became so little that it was an effort to even see a monkey, let alone catch it!

The man now announced that he would buy monkeys at $50! However, since he had to go to the city on some business, his assistant would now buy on behalf of him.

In the absence of the man, the assistant told the villagers. "Look at all these monkeys in the big cage that the man has collected. I will sell them to you at $35 and when the man returns from the city, you can sell them to him for $50 each."

The villagers rounded up with all their savings and bought all the monkeys. Then they never saw the man nor his assistant, only monkeys everywhere!

Now you have a better understanding of how the stock market works.