Post your best joke thread

[G-MONEY]

Three sisters, ages 92, 94 and 96, live in a house together. One night the 96-year-old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses. She yells to the other sisters, 'Was I getting in or out of the bath?'



The 94-year-old yells back, 'I don't know. I'll come up and see.' She starts up the stairs and pauses 'Was I going up the stairs or down?'

The 92-year-old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening to her sisters. She shakes her head and says, 'I sure hope I never get that forgetful, knock on wood.' She then yells, 'I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door.'

[Bibbs]

Heard this on xm
Elizabet Taylor went to the Dr and said I am getting married to a 18 year old,can you make me like a 18 year old down below again.The Dr said sure.Elizabeth said to the Dr you have to promise you cant tell anyone,the Dr agreed.After she woke up the Dr said everything went great but Elizabeth was mad as there were 3 bouqeuts of flowers at her bed.The Dr said relax the first one is from me,the second one is from the anesthesist and he is gay and he wont tell anyone,the third one is from the boy up on the burn unit who wants to thank you for his new set of ears.

[chpthril]

What's Your SOUTHERN Birth Sign?
Some of us (especially Southerners) are pretty skeptical of horoscopes,
and it has become obvious that what we need are "Southern" symbols:

OKRA (Dec 22 - Jan 20)
Although you appear crude, you are actually very slick on the inside.
Okra's have tremendous influence. An older Okra can look back over his
life and see the seeds of his influence everywhere. Stay away from Moon Pies.

CHITLIN (Jan 21 - Feb 19)
Chitlins come from humble backgrounds. A chitlin, however, can make
something of himself if he's motivated and has lots of seasoning. In
dealing with Chitlins, be careful. They can erupt like Mt. Vesuvius.
Chitlins are best with Catfish and Okra.

BOLL WEEVIL (Feb 20 - Mar 20)
you have an overwhelming curiosity. You're unsatisfied with the surface of
things, and you feel the need to bore deep into the interior of everything.

Needless to say, you are very intense and driven as if you had some inner

hunger. Nobody in their right mind is going to marry you, so don't worry about it.

MOON PIE (Mar 21 - Apr 20)
You're the type that spends a lot of time on the front porch. It's a cinch
to recognize the physical appearance of Moon Pies. Big and round are
the key words here. You should marry anybody who you can get remotely
interested in the idea. It's not going to be easy. This might be the year to
think about aerobics. Or ... maybe not...

POSSUM (Apr 21 -May 21)
When confronted with life's difficulties, possums have a marked tendency
to withdraw and develop a don't-bother-me-about-it attitude. Sometimes
you become so withdrawn, people actually think you're dead. This strategy
is probably not psychologically healthy, but seems to work for you. One
day, however, it won't work and you may find your problems actually
running you over.

CRAWFISH (May 22- June 21)
Crawfish is a water sign. If you work in an office, you're always hanging
around the water cooler. Crawfish prefer the beach to the mountains,
the pool to the golf course, the bathtub to the living room. You tend to
be not particularly attractive physically, but you have very, very good
heads.

COLLARDS (June 22 -July 23)
Collards have a genius for communication. They love to get in the "melting
pot" of life and share their essence with the essence of those round
them. Collards make good social workers, psychologists, and baseball
managers. As far as your personal life goes, if you are Collards, stay
away from Moon Pies. It just won't work. Save yourself a lot of heartache.

CATFISH (July 24 -Aug 23)
Catfish are traditionalists in matters of the heart; although one's
whiskers may cause problems for loved ones You catfish are never easy people
to understand. You prefer the muddy bottoms to the clear surface of life.
Above all else, Catfish should stay away from Moon Pies.

GRITS (Aug 24 - Sept 23)
Your highest aim is to be with others like yourself. You like to huddle
together with a big crowd of other Grits. You love to travel though,
so maybe you should think about joining a club. Where do you like to go?
Anywhere they have cheese or gravy or bacon or butter or eggs. If you
can, go somewhere where they have all these things that serve you well.


BOILED PEANUTS (Sept 24 - Oct 23)
You have a passionate desire to help your fellow man. Unfortunately, those
who know you best -- your friends and loved ones may find that your
personality is much too salty, and their criticism will probably affect
you deeply because you are really much softer than you appear. You should
go right ahead and marry anybody you want to because in a certain way,
yours is a charmed life. On the road of life, you can be sure that people will
always pullover and stop for you.

BUTTER BEAN (Oct 24 - Nov 23)
Always invite a Butter Bean because Butter Beans get along well with
everybody. You, as a Butter Bean, should be proud. You've grown on the
vine of life and you feel at home no matter what the setting. You can sit
next to anybody. However, you too, shouldn't have anything to do with Moon
Pies.

ARMADILLO (Nov 24 - Dec 21)
You have a tendency to develop a tough exterior, but you are actually
quite gentle. A good evening for you? Old friends, a fire, some roots,
fruit, worms and insects. You are a throwback. You're not concerned with
today's fashions and trends. You're not concerned with anything about
today. You're really almost prehistoric in your interests and behavior patterns.
You probably want to marry another Armadillo, but Possum is another
somewhat kinky, mating possibility.

[G-MONEY]

so what are you????

[chpthril]

so what are you????

Armadillo, wife's Okra

[G-MONEY]

I'm.....


BOILED PEANUTS (Sept 24 - Oct 23)
You have a passionate desire to help your fellow man. Unfortunately, those
who know you best -- your friends and loved ones may find that your
personality is much too salty, and their criticism will probably affect
you deeply because you are really much softer than you appear. You should
go right ahead and marry anybody you want to because in a certain way,
yours is a charmed life. On the road of life, you can be sure that people will
always pullover and stop for you.

[CP3]

haha G got a good one. Im okra

[chpthril]

.One evening a husband, thinking he was being funny, said to his wife


'Perhaps we should start washing your clothes in Slim Fast.
Maybe
it
would take a few inches off of your butt!!'
His wife was not amused, and decided that she simply couldn't
let
such
a comment go unrewarded.

The next morning the husband took a pair of underwear out of his
drawer.
'What the Hell is this??' he said to himself as a little 'dust'
cloud appeared when he shook them out.
'April,' he hollered into the bathroom, 'Why did you put talcum
powder
in my underwear?'

She replied with a snicker...


'It's not talcum powder......

It's 'Miracle Grow'

[talltigeguy]

When NASA was preparing for the Apollo Project, it took the astronauts to a Navajo reservation in Arizona for training. One day, a Navajo elder and his son came across the space crew walking among the rocks. The elder, who spoke only Navajo, asked a question. His son translated for the NASA people: "What are these guys in the big suits doing?" One of the astronauts said that they were practicing for a trip to the moon.

When his son relayed this comment the Navajo elder got all excited and asked if it would be possible to give to the astronauts a message to deliver to the moon. Recognizing a promotional opportunity when he saw one, a NASA official accompanying the astronauts said, "Why certainly!" and told an underling to get a tape recorder. The Navajo elder's comments into the microphone were brief. The NASA official asked the son if he would translate what his father had said. The son listened to the recording and laughed uproariously. But he refused to translate.

So the NASA people took the tape to a nearby Navajo village and played it for other members of the tribe. They too laughed long and loudly, but also refused to translate the elder's message to the moon. An official government translator was summoned. After he finally stopped laughing, the translator relayed the message:

"WATCH OUT FOR THESE ASSHOLES.
THEY HAVE COME TO STEAL YOUR LAND."

[chpthril]

When NASA was preparing for the Apollo Project, it took the astronauts to a Navajo reservation in Arizona for training. One day, a Navajo elder and his son came across the space crew walking among the rocks. The elder, who spoke only Navajo, asked a question. His son translated for the NASA people: "What are these guys in the big suits doing?" One of the astronauts said that they were practicing for a trip to the moon.

When his son relayed this comment the Navajo elder got all excited and asked if it would be possible to give to the astronauts a message to deliver to the moon. Recognizing a promotional opportunity when he saw one, a NASA official accompanying the astronauts said, "Why certainly!" and told an underling to get a tape recorder. The Navajo elder's comments into the microphone were brief. The NASA official asked the son if he would translate what his father had said. The son listened to the recording and laughed uproariously. But he refused to translate.

So the NASA people took the tape to a nearby Navajo village and played it for other members of the tribe. They too laughed long and loudly, but also refused to translate the elder's message to the moon. An official government translator was summoned. After he finally stopped laughing, the translator relayed the message:

"WATCH OUT FOR THESE ASSHOLES.
THEY HAVE COME TO STEAL YOUR LAND."

Sad to say, but this is true LOL

[dogbert]

.One evening a husband, thinking he was being funny, said to his wife


'Perhaps we should start washing your clothes in Slim Fast.
Maybe
it
would take a few inches off of your butt!!'
His wife was not amused, and decided that she simply couldn't
let
such
a comment go unrewarded.

The next morning the husband took a pair of underwear out of his
drawer.
'What the Hell is this??' he said to himself as a little 'dust'
cloud appeared when he shook them out.
'April,' he hollered into the bathroom, 'Why did you put talcum
powder
in my underwear?'

She replied with a snicker...


'It's not talcum powder......

It's 'Miracle Grow'

LOL. Good one.

[chpthril]

By the time you read through this YOU WILL UNDERSTAND "TENJOOBERRYMUDS"...

In order to continue getting-by in America (our home land), we all need to learn the NEW English language! Practice by reading the following conversation until you are able to understand the term "TENJOOBERRYMUDS".

With a little patience, you'll be able to fit right in.
Now, here goes...

The following is a telephone exchange between maybe you as a hotel guest and call room-service somewhere in the good old U S A today......

Room Service : "Morrin. Roon sirbees."

Guest : "Sorry, I thought I dialed room-service."

Room Service: " Rye. Roon sirbees...morrin! Joowish to oddor sunteen???"

Guest: "Uh..... Yes, I'd like to order bacon and eggs."

Room Service: "Ow July den?"

Guest: ".....What??"

Room Service: "Ow July den?!?... pryed, boyud, poochd?"

Guest: "Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry.. scrambled, please."

Room Service: "Ow July dee baykem? Crease?"

Guest: "Crisp will be fine."

Room Service: "Hokay. An Sahn toes?"

Guest: "What?"

Roo m Service: "An toes. July Sahn toes?"

Guest: "I... don't think so."

RoomService: "No? Judo wan sahn toes???"

Guest: "I feel really bad about this, but I don't know what 'judo wan sahn toes' means."

RoomService: "Toes! Toes!...Why Joo don Juan toes? Ow bow Anglish moppin we bodder?"

Guest: "Oh, English muffin!!! I've got it! You were saying 'toast'... Fine...Yes, an English muffin will be fine."

RoomService: "We bodder?"

Guest: "No, just put the bodder on the side."

RoomService: "Wad?!?"

Guest: "I mean butter... just put the butter on the side."

RoomService: "Copy?"

Guest: "Excuse me?"

RoomService: "Copy...tea..meel?"

Guest: "Yes. Coffee, please... and that's everything."

RoomService: "One Minnie. Scramah egg, crease baykem, Anglish moppin, we bodder on sigh and copy ... rye??"

Guest: "Whatever you say."

RoomService: "Tenjooberrymuds."

Guest: "You're welcome"

Remember I said "By the time you read through this YOU WILL UNDERSTAND 'TENJOOBERRYMUDS' ".....and you do, don't you!

[Bibbs]

a man yells out to his wife "come here and see my clock"
she walks into the room and sees him laying on the bed naked with a hard on
she says "thats not a clock"
he said "it will be when you put two hands and a face on it"

[chpthril]

Tryforgetin

http://video.google.com/videoplay?do...arch&plindex=0

[talltigeguy]

http://video.google.com/videoplay?do...arch&plindex=0

Amen, Brother!