Post your best joke thread

[slacker661]

A guy and his son are out front trying to fly a kite.Everytime the kite goes up for a couple seconds then comes crashig down.His wife looks out the front door and says " I think you need more tail".The guy looks at his son and says I asked for more tail yesterday and she told me to go fly a kite

[Original Wing Nut]

Parenting

Dear Dad
It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to
elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with
Mom and you. I have been finding real passion withStacy and she is so nice. But I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercings, tattoos, tight motorcycle clothes and the factthat she is much older than I am. But it's not only the passion...Dadshe's pregnant. Stacy said that we will be very happy. She ownsa trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter.We share a dream of having many more children. Stacy has opened myeyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll begrowing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people that live
nearby for cocaine and ecstasy. In the meantime we will pray that science
will find a cure for AIDS so Stacy can get better. She deserves it. Don't worry Dad. I'm 15 and I know how to take care of myself. Someday I'm sure that we will be back to visit so that you can get to know your grandchildren.

Love, Your Son, John

PS. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at
Tommy's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things
in life than a report card, that's in my center desk drawer.

I love you.

Call me when it's safe to come home.

[slacker661]

Afetr Quasimodo's death,the bishop of the cathedral of notre damesent word through the streets of Paristhat a new bell ringer was needed.The bishop decided that he would conduct the interviews personally and went up into the beltry to begin the screening process.After observing several applicants demonstrate their skills,he had decided to call it a day when a armless man approached him and anounced that he was there to apply for the bell ringers job.The bishop was incredulous."you have no arms"No matter" said the man. "observe"and he began striking the bells with his face producing a beautiful melody on the carillon.The bishop listened in astonishment,convinced he had finally found a suitable replacement for Quassimod.But suddenly rushing forwardto strike a bell,the armless man tripped and plunged headlong out of the belfry window to his death in the street below.The stunned bishoprusdhed to his side.When he reached the street,a crowd had gathered around the fallen figure,drawn by the beautiful musicthey had heard only moments before.s the silently parted to let the bishop through,one of them asked,"Bishop,who was the man?I dont know his name, the bishop sadly replied,but his face rings a bell

[slacker661]

On their way home from a weekend trip a man and his wife get pulled over by a state trooper.The trooper approaches the vehicle and asked the man "where you headed?".The man replies "on our way to Florida".The mans wife who is hard of hearing yells"WHAT DID HE SAY?".The man replies "he asked where we are going?". The trooper than asked "where are you coming from"?The man says "pennsylvania".The trooper says "pennsylvania,you know I had the worst sex I've ever had in my life in pennsylvania".Quickly the mans wife again ask "WHAT DID HE SAY"the man replies "he said he think he knows you".

[slacker661]

An irishman,an italian and a polish guy are in a bar.They are having a good time and all agree that the bar is a nice place.Then the irishman says"aye,this is a nice bar,but where I come from ,back in Dublin,theres a better one.At McDougals,you buy a drink,you buy another and McDougal himself will buy you a third.The others agree that sounds like a nice place.Then the italian says "Yeah,thats a nice bar,but where I come from,theres a better one.Over in Brooklyn,theres this place,Vinnys.At Vinny's you buy a drink ,Vinny buys you a drink.You buy anudda drink and Vinny buys you anudda drink.Everyone agrees that sounds like a great bar.Then the Polish guys says,"you think thats great? Where I come from,there's this place called Warshowski's". At Warshowski's,they buy you your first drink,then they buy you your second drink,then they buy you your third drink,and then,they take you in the back and get you laid! Wow say the other two.Thats fantastic! Did that actually happen to you? No replies the polish guy but it happened to my sister

[talltigeguy]

Fifty-one years ago, Herman Jones, a West Virginia mountain man, was drafted into the United States Army.

On the first day of boot camp, the Army issued him a comb. That afternoon, an Army barber cut off all his hair.

On the second day of boot camp, the Army issued him a toothbrush. That afternoon, an Army dentist pulled out seven of his teeth.

On the third day the Army issued him a jock strap.

The Army is still looking for him.

[G-MONEY]

HELL EXPLAINED BY A CHEMISTRY STUDENT


The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid term.



The answer by one student was so 'profound', that the professor shared it with his colleagues via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well:



Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?



Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.



One student, however, wrote the following:



First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today.



Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.



This gives two possibilities:



1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.



2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.



So which is it?



If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, 'It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you,' and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct......leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting 'Oh my God.'





THIS STUDENT RECEIVED AN A+.

[G-MONEY]

Two prostitutes were riding around town with a sign on top of their car which



said:



"Two Prostitutes -- $50.00."







A policeman, seeing the sign,



stopped them and told them



they'd either have to remove the sign



or go to jail.







Just at that time, another car passed with a sign

saying:



"JESUS SAVES."







One of the girls asked the officer,

"How come you don't stop them?!"







"Well, that's a little different,"



the officer smiled .

.



"Their sign pertains to religion."







So the two ladies of the night frowned



as they took their sign down and drove off.







The following day found the same police officer



in the area when he noticed the two ladies



driving around with a large sign on their car again.







Figuring he had an easy arrest,



he began to catch up with them



when he noticed the new sign which now read:







"Two Fallen Angels



Seeking Peter -- $50.

[G-MONEY]

Government Job

A guy goes to the Post Office to apply for a job.
The interviewer asks him, "Have you been in the service?"
"Yes," he says. "I was in Viet Nam for three years."
The interviewer says, "That will give you extra points toward employment" and then asks, "Are you disabled in any way?
The guy says, "Yes 100%...a mortar round exploded near me and blew my testicles off."
The interviewer tells the guy, "O.K. I can hire you right now. The hours are from 8:00 A.M. to 4:00 P.M., you can start tomorrow. Come in at 10:00A.M."
The guy is puzzled and says, "If the hours are from 8:00 A.M. to 4:00 P.M then why do you want me to come in at 10:00 A.M.?"
"This is a government job" the interviewer says. "For the first two hours we stand around scratching our ba!!s...no point in you coming in for that."

[dogbert]

A plane passed through a severe storm. The turbulence was awful, and things went from bad to worse when one wing was struck by lightning. One woman lost it completely. She stood up in the front of the plane and screamed, "I'm too young to die," she cried. Then she yelled, "If I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on earth to be memorable! Is there anyone on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN?"

For a moment, there was silence. Everyone stared at the desperate woman in the front of the plane. Then a man from Texas stood up in the rear of the plane. He was handsome, tall, well built, with dark brown hair and hazel eyes. Slowly, he started to walk up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt as he went, one button at a time. No one moved. He removed his shirt. Muscles rippled across his chest.


She gasped..


Then, he spoke..."Iron this -- and then get me a beer."

[G-MONEY]

A plane passed through a severe storm. The turbulence was awful, and things went from bad to worse when one wing was struck by lightning. One woman lost it completely. She stood up in the front of the plane and screamed, "I'm too young to die," she cried. Then she yelled, "If I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on earth to be memorable! Is there anyone on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN?"

For a moment, there was silence. Everyone stared at the desperate woman in the front of the plane. Then a man from Texas stood up in the rear of the plane. He was handsome, tall, well built, with dark brown hair and hazel eyes. Slowly, he started to walk up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt as he went, one button at a time. No one moved. He removed his shirt. Muscles rippled across his chest.


She gasped..


Then, he spoke..."Iron this -- and then get me a beer."

good one ..........lol

[dogbert]

good one ..........lol

Probably don't want to bring that up with your wife in another 5 or 6 months.

[G-MONEY]

Probably don't want to bring that up with your wife in another 5 or 6 months.

ha ha ha I wish I could get her to iron before she was pregnant

[G-MONEY]

CHINESE PROVERBS

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who run in front of car get tired.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who run behind car get exhausted.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man with one chopstick go hungry.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who scratch *** should not bite fingernails.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Baseball is wrong: man with four balls cannot walk.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Panties not best thing on earth! But next to best thing on earth.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
War does not determine who is right, war determine who is left.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
It take many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who drive like hell, bound to get there.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.
*~*~ *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who fart in church sit in own pew.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Crowded elevator smell different to midget
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
__________________

[G-MONEY]

A Blonde called 911 on her cell phone to report that her car has been broken into. She is hysterical as she explains her situation to the dispatcher: 'They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator!' she cried.





The dispatcher said, 'Stay calm. An officer is on the way.'




A few minutes later, the officer radios in. 'Disregard.' He says. 'She got in the back-seat by mistake.'