Post your best joke thread

[G-MONEY]

Lord came unto Noah


In the year 2006, the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in the United
States , and said, "Once again, the earth has become wicked and over-populated,
and I see the end of all flesh before me.

Build another Ark and save 2 of every living thing along with a few good
humans."

He gave Noah the blueprints, saying, "You have 6 months to build the Ark
before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights."

Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard -
but no Ark.

"Noah!" He roared, "I'm about to start the rain! Where is the Ark ?"

"Forgive me, Lord," begged Noah, "but! things have changed. I needed a
building permit. I've been arguing with the inspector about the need for a
sprinkler system. My neighbors claim that I've violated the neighborhood
zoning laws by building the Ark in my yard and exceeding the height
limitations. We had to go to the Development Appeal Board for a decision.

Then the Department of Transportation demanded a bond be posted for the
future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions, to clear
the passage for the Ark 's move to the sea. I told them that the sea would be
coming to us, but they would hear nothing of it.

Getting the wood was another problem. There's a ban on cutting local
trees in order to save the spotted owl. I tried to convince the
environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the owls - but no go!

When I started gathering the animals, an animal rights group sued me.

They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will. They
argued the accommodation was too restrictive, and it was cruel and inhumane to
put so many animals in a confined space.



Then the EPA ruled that I couldn't build the Ark until they'd conducted an
environmental impact study on your proposed flood.

I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Human Rights Commission
on how many minorities I'm supposed to hire for my building crew.

Immigration and Naturalization is checking the green-card status of most
of the people who want to work.

The trades unions say I can't use my sons. They insist I have to hire
only Union workers with Ark-building experience.

To make matters worse, the IRS seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying
to leave the country illegally with endangered species.

So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least 10 years for me to finish
this Ark. "

Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow
stretched across the sky. Noah looked up in wonder and asked, "You mean you're
not going to destroy the world?"

"No," said the Lord. "The government beat me to it

[G-MONEY]

Texas Rancher was selling his peaches door to door. He knocked on a door and a shapely 40 something lady, dressed in a very sheer negligee answered the door. He raised his basket to show her the peaches and asked, "Would you like to buy some peaches?" She pulled the top of the negligee to one side and asked, "Are they as firm as this?" He nodded his head and said, "Yes ma'am," and a little tear ran from his eye Then she pulled the other side of her negligee off asking, "Are they nice and pink like this?" The farmer said, "Yes," and another tear came from the other eye. Then the lady unbuttoned the bottom of her negligee and Asked, "Are they as fuzzy as this?" He again said, "Yes," and broke down crying. The lady asked, "Why on earth are you crying?"

Drying his eyes he replied, "The drought got my corn, the flood got my soy beans, a tornado leveled my barn and now, I'm gonna get screwed out of my peaches."

[da.bell]

I was starting to think that you were telling us a joke about Texas and all the rain that they have had... he he he

That was a good one. Apparently Noah lives in California.

[G-MONEY]

A women was shopping at the local supermarket where she selected:
A half-gallon of 2% milk,
A carton of eggs,
A quart of orange juice,
A head of romaine lettuce,
A 2 lb. can of coffee, and
A 1 lb. package of bacon.
As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to checkout, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier. While the cashier was ringing up the purchases, the drunk calmly stated,"You must be single."
She was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single. She looked at the six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status .Curiosity getting the better of her, She said: "Well, you know what, you're absolutely right. But how on earth did you know that?"
The drunk replied, "Cause you're ugly."

[G-MONEY]

I was starting to think that you were telling us a joke about Texas and all the rain that they have had... he he he

That was a good one. Apparently Noah lives in California.

I thought the same thing.....

[G-MONEY]

Blonde in Starbucks....


A blonde goes into a coffee shop and notices there's

a 'peel and win' sticker on her coffee cup.



So she peels it off and starts screaming,

'I've won a motorhome!

I've won a motorhome!'



The waitress says, 'That's impossible.

The biggest prize is a free Lunch.?'



But the blonde keeps on screaming,

'I've won a motorhome!

I've won a motorhome!'



Finally, the manager comes over and says,

'Ma'am, I'm sorry, but you're mistaken.

You couldn't have possibly won a motorhome

because we didn't have that as a prize.



The blonde says, 'No, it's not a mistake.

I've won a motorhome!'



And she hands the ticket to the

manager and HE reads...



(YOU'RE GOING TO LOVE THIS !!!!!! . I PROMISE !)



'W I N A B A G E L'

[chpthril]

Bill Gates V's GM

Gates vs. GM

For all of us who feel only the deepest love and affection for the way computers have enhanced our lives, read on.

At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated, "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25.00 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon." In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating:



If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:

1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash........ Twice a day.



2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.



3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this.



4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.



5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive - but would run on only five percent of the roads.



6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single "This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation" warning light.



7. The airbag system would ask "Are you sure?" before deploying.



8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.



9. Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to learn how to d! rive al l over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.



10. You'd have to press the "Start" button to turn the engine off

[chpthril]

Divorced Barbie

One day a father gets out of work and on his way home he suddenly remembers that it's his daughter's birthday. He pulls over to a toy shop and asks the sales person, "How much for one of those Barbie's in the display window?"
The salesperson answers, "Which one do you mean, sir? We have: Work Out Barbie for $19.95, Shopping Barbie for $19.95, Beach Barbie for $19.95, Disco Barbie for $19.95, Ballerina Barbie for $19.95, Astronaut Barbie for $19.95, Skater Barbie for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.95."

The amazed father asks: "It's what?! Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.95 and the others only $19.95?"

The annoyed salesperson rolls her eyes, sighs, and answers: "Sir..., Divorced Barbie comes with Ken's Car, Ken's House, Ken's Boat, Ken's Furniture, Ken's Computer and...one of Ken's Friends."

[da.bell]

OMG!!!!! He must have been buying that Barbie in California where Barbie got divorced.

I like that one...

[CP3]

HAHAHA thats a good one

[G-MONEY]

One day a father gets out of work and on his way home he suddenly remembers that it's his daughter's birthday. He pulls over to a toy shop and asks the sales person, "How much for one of those Barbie's in the display window?"
The salesperson answers, "Which one do you mean, sir? We have: Work Out Barbie for $19.95, Shopping Barbie for $19.95, Beach Barbie for $19.95, Disco Barbie for $19.95, Ballerina Barbie for $19.95, Astronaut Barbie for $19.95, Skater Barbie for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.95."

The amazed father asks: "It's what?! Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.95 and the others only $19.95?"

The annoyed salesperson rolls her eyes, sighs, and answers: "Sir..., Divorced Barbie comes with Ken's Car, Ken's House, Ken's Boat, Ken's Furniture, Ken's Computer and...one of Ken's Friends."

She should be cheaper it's not like she paid for any of that stuff, plus she's used.

[spharis]

Last Saturday afternoon, I was sitting in my lawn chair, drinking beer and watching my wife mow the lawn.

The neighbor lady from across the street was so outraged that she came over and shouted at me, "You should be hung!"

I took a drink from my bottle of Miller Light, wiped the cold foam from my lips, lifted my darkened sunglasses and stared directly into the eyes of this nosy *** neighbor and then calmly replied,

"I am. That's why she cuts the grass."

[talltigeguy]

1. Two vultures board an airplane, each carrying two dead raccoons. The > stewardess looks at them and says, "I'm sorry, gentlemen, only one > carrion allowed per passenger."> >

2. Did you hear that NASA recently put a bunch of Holsteins into low > earth orbit? They called it the herd shot 'round the world.> >

3. Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and > became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and > never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the > lesser of two weevils.> >

4. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire > in the craft, it sank proving once again that you can't have your kayak > and heat it, too.> >

5. A three legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up > to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."> >

6. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root > canal? He wanted to transcend dental medication.> >

7. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing > in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about > an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. > "But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't > stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."> >

8. A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes > to a family in Egypt and is named "Amal." The other goes to a family in > Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of > himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her > husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband > responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."> >

9. These friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up > a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers > from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition > was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. > He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the > rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug > in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed > their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. > Terrified, they did thereby proving that: Hugh,and only Hugh, can > prevent florist friars.> >

10. And finally, there was a man who sent ten different puns to friends, > in the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. > Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.>

[dogbert]

Wow!

[chpthril]

Knew It Was Going To Be A Bad Day When...

I rear ended a car this morning...
I knew it was going to be a REALLY bad day.
The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!
He looked up at me and said, "I am NOT happy".
I said, "Well, which one ARE you then?"

That's when the fight started