Post your best joke thread

[G-MONEY]

A Japanese doctor says, 'Medicine in my country is so
advanced that we can take a kidney out of one man, put it in another, and
have him out looking for work in 6 weeks.'

A German doctor says, 'That is nothing. We can take a
lung out of one person, put it in another, and have him out looking for
work in four weeks.'

A British doctor says, 'In my country, medicine is so
advanced that we can take half a heart out of one person, put it in another
and have both of them out looking for work in two weeks.'

The American doctor, not to be outdone, interjected, 'You guys are way
behind. We're about to take a Muslim with no brains,
put him in the White House, and then half the country will be out looking
for work in one week.

[chpthril]

My wife nagged me to put up the Christmas lights. Well, I finally got them up and NOW she won't talk to me!

Merry Christmas Everyone

[skyski_tige]

My wife nagged me to put up the Christmas lights. Well, I finally got them up and NOW she won't talk to me!

Merry Christmas Everyone

those are nice... she might not be as mad if you would have used LED's...

[chpthril]

A Blonde is watching the news with her husband when the newscaster says
'Two Brazilian men die in a skydiving accident.'

The blonde starts crying to her husband, sobbing 'That's horrible!!! So
many men dying that way!'

Confused, he says, 'Yes dear, it is sad, but they were skydiving, and
there is always that risk involved.'

After a few minutes, the blonde, still sobbing, says, 'How many is a
Brazilian?'

[lightning59]

Hey chp, to quote Clark Griswold, " Dad, you taught me everything I know about exterior illumination". Sweet light job!

[xpjim1]

Do not make the same mistake this xmas

http://creativity-online.com/work/view?seed=5e32d548

[69BUG]

A cop was on his horse waiting to cross the street, when a little girl on her new shiny bike stopped beside him.

'Nice bike,' the cop said. 'Did Santa bring it to you?'

'Yes Sir,' the little girl said, 'he sure did!'

The cop looked the bike over and handed the girl a $5 ticket for a safety violation. The cop said, 'Next year, tell Santa to put a reflector light on the back of it!'

The young girl looked up at the cop and said, 'Nice horse You've got there Sir. Did Santa bring it to you?'

Playing along with the girl, he chuckled and answered, 'Yes, he sure did!'

The little girl looked up at the cop and said, 'Next year tell Santa; The di*k goes underneath the horse, not on top.

[G-MONEY]

A cop was on his horse waiting to cross the street, when a little girl on her new shiny bike stopped beside him.

'Nice bike,' the cop said. 'Did Santa bring it to you?'

'Yes Sir,' the little girl said, 'he sure did!'

The cop looked the bike over and handed the girl a $5 ticket for a safety violation. The cop said, 'Next year, tell Santa to put a reflector light on the back of it!'

The young girl looked up at the cop and said, 'Nice horse You've got there Sir. Did Santa bring it to you?'

Playing along with the girl, he chuckled and answered, 'Yes, he sure did!'

The little girl looked up at the cop and said, 'Next year tell Santa; The di*k goes underneath the horse, not on top.

HA HA HA

[LovinPowell]

A Christmas Story

A Christmas Story for people having a bad day:

When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the Pre-Christmas pressure.

Then Mrs Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more.

When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows where.

Then when he began to load the sl eigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered.

Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drank all the cider and hidden the liquor. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom.

Just then the doorbell rang, and irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.
The angel said very cheerfully, 'Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?'

And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.

[hoopykat]

A Malibu owner wanted to sell his car, but couldn't find any buyers. He called his friend for advice, and his friend asked her how many miles he had on his car.
"235,000 miles."
His friend told him that was the problem. But the 'Bu owner's friend told him that his brother is a mechanic and could put back the miles to whatever he wanted. So the 'Bu owner went to the mechanic and told him to put the miles at 40,000.
Two days later the dude's friend asked him if he sold the car since his brother dropped the miles.
The Malibu owner told him, "Why would I sell the car? There are only 40,000 miles on it!"

[zad0030]

15 things a man can do at Wal-Mart -- while his wife is taking her sweet time Christmas Shopping:

1. Get 24 boxes of condoms & randomly put them in people's carts when they aren't looking.
2. Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5 minute intervals.
3. Make a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the restrooms.
4. Walk up to an employee and tell him/her in an official tone: 'Code 3 in Housewares' . . and see what happens.
5. Go to the Service Desk and ask to put a bag of M&M's on lay-away.
6. Move a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
7. Set-up a tent in the Camping Department -- and tell other shoppers you're sleeping over; invite them in if they bring pillows from the Bedding Department.
8. When a clerk asks if they can help you, begin to cry and ask: "Why can't you people just leave me alone?"
9. Look right into the security camera, use it as a mirror and pick your nose.
10. While handling guns in the Hunting Department, ask the clerk if he knows where the anti-depressants are.
11. Dart around the store suspiciously, while loudly humming the theme from "Mission Impossible."
12. In the Auto Department, practice your "Madonna look" using different sized funnels.
13. Hide in a clothing rack . . and when people browse through, say: "PICK ME!!! PICK ME!!!"
14. When an announcement comes over the loudspeaker, assume the fetal position and scream, "NO!...It's those voices again!!!"

And last but not least:
15. Go into a fitting room, shut the door and wait a while . . . then yell loudly: "There's no toilet paper in here!"

[dogbert]

LOL, that's funny, zad

[zad0030]

Two buddies, Chuck and Al, are getting very drunk at a bar when Suddenly Al throws up all over himself. "Oh, no... Now my wife is going to kill me!" Chuck says, "Don't worry, pal. Just tuck a twenty in your breast pocket and tell your wife that someone threw up on you and gave you twenty dollars for the dry cleaning bill." So they stay for another couple of hours and get even drunker. Eventually, Al stumbles home and his wife starts to give him a bad time. "You reek of alcohol and you've puked all over yourself! My God, you're disgusting!" Speaking very carefully so as not to slur his words, Al says, "Now wain a minit, I can e'splain everythin. Its snot wha chew think. I only had a cupla drrrinks. But thiss other guy got ssick on me...he had one too many! And he juss coudin hold hiz liquor. He said He was berrry sorry an' gave me twenny bucks for the cleaning bill!" His wife looks in the breast pocket and says, "But this is forty bucks." "Oh, yeah... I almos' fergot. He craped in my pants, too."

[zad0030]

Overview: I had to take my son's hamster to the vet.
Here's what happened:

Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was
"something wrong" with one of the two hamsters he holds prisoner in his
room. "He's just lying there looking sick," he told me. "I'm serious,
Dad. Can you help?"

I put my best hamster-healer statement on my face and followed him into
his bedroom. One of the little rodents was indeed lying on his back,
looking stressed. I immediately knew what to do. "Honey," I called,
"come look at the hamster!"

"Oh my gosh," my wife diagnosed after a minute. "She's having babies."

"What?" my son demanded. "But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom!"

I was equally outraged. "Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we
didn't want them to reproduce," I accused my wife.

"Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?" she
inquired. (I actually think she said this sarcastically!)

"No, but you were supposed to get two boys!" I reminded her, (in my most
loving, calm, sweet voice, while gritting my teeth together).

"Yeah, Bert and Ernie!" my son agreed.

"Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, you know," she
informed me. (Again with the sarcasm, you think?)

By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on. I
shrugged, deciding to make the best of it. "Kids, this is going to be a
wondrous experience, I announced. "We're about to witness the miracle of
birth."

"OH, Gross!", they shrieked.

"Well, isn't THAT just Great!; what are we going to do with a litter of
tiny little hamster babies?" my wife wanted to know. (I really do think
she was being snotty here, too. don't you?)

We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a tiny
foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later.

"We don't appear to be making much progress," I noted.

"Its breech," my wife whispered, horrified.

"Do something, Dad!" my son urged.

"Okay, okay." Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed
the foot when it next appeared, giving it a gingerly tug. It
disappeared. I tried several more times with the same results.

"Should I call 911?" my eldest daughter wanted to know.
"Maybe they could talk us through the trauma." (You see a pattern
here with the females in my house?)

"Let's get Ernie to the vet," I said grimly.

We drove to the vet with my son holding the cage in his lap.

Breathe, Ernie, breathe," he urged.

"I don't think hamsters do Lamaze," his mother noted to him.
(Women can be so cruel to their own young. I mean what she does to me is
one thing, but this boy is of her womb, for God's sake.)

The vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the little
animal through a magnifying glass. "What do you think, Doc, a
c-section?" I suggested scientifically.

"Oh, very interesting," he murmured. "Mr. and Mrs. Cameron, may I speak
to you privately for a moment?"

I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside.

"Is Ernie going to be okay?" my wife asked.

"Oh, perfectly," the vet assured us. "This hamster is not in labor. In
fact, that isn't EVER going to happen... Ernie is a boy. You see, Ernie
is a young male. And occasionally, as they come into maturity, like most>
male species, they um....um....masturbate. Just the way he did, lying on>
his back." He blushed, glancing at my wife.

"Well, you know what I'm saying, Mr.. Cameron."

We were silent, absorbing this. "So Ernie's just...just...Excited," my
wife offered.

"Exactly," the vet replied, relieved that we understood.

More silence.

Then my viscous, cruel wife started to giggle. And giggle. And then even
laugh loudly.

"What's so funny?" I demanded, knowing, but not believing that the woman
I married would commit the upcoming affront to my flawless manliness.

Tears were now running down her face.

"It's just...that...I'm picturing you pulling on its... its...teeny
little..." she gasped for more air to bellow in laughter once more.

"That's enough," I warned.

We thanked the Veterinarian and hurriedly bundled the hamsters and our
son back into the car. He was glad everything was going to be okay.

"I know Ernie's really thankful for what you've done, Dad," he told me.

"Oh, you have NO idea," my wife agreed, collapsing with laughter.


2 - Hamsters - $10...
1 - Cage - $20...
Trip to the Vet - $30...
Memory of your hubby pulling on a hamster's
wacker........Priceless!

[zad0030]

Bill and Hillary are at the Yankee's World Series Game 6; sitting in the first row, with the Secret Service people directly behind them. One of the Secret Service guys leans forward and whispers something to Bill. At first, Clinton stares at the guy, looks at Hillary, looks back at the agent, and shakes his head "no". The agent then says, "Mr. President, it was an unanimous request of the entire team, from the owner of the team to the bat boy."

Bill hesitates...but begins to change his mind when the agent tells him the fans would love it! Bill shrugs his shoulders and says, "Ho-Kay! If that is what the people want. C'mere Hilly baby..." With that, Bill gets up, grabs Hillary by her collar and the seat of her pants, lifts her up, and tosses her right over the wall onto the field.

She gets up kicking, swearing, screaming, "Bill you !*%$%**!!! ...."

The crowd goes absolutely wild. Fans are jumping up &down, cheering, hooting &hollering, and high-fiving. Bill is bowing, smiling and waving to the crowd. He leans over to the agent and says, "How about that! I would have never believed how much everyone would enjoy that!"

Noticing the agent has gone totally pale, he asks what is wrong. The agent replies, "Sir, I said they want you to throw out the first Pitch!"