YOU NEED TO LAUGH !

[skippabcool]

[jbort]

This totally made my day!!!!!

[Dave K]

My brother in law is a real Canadian REDNECK trucker and he sends me lots. I'll post more soon.

[Dave K]

[skyski_tige]

Doubtful it is a redneck, seeing that the jack is on an inorganic chemistry book, probably a poor student.

Can't say I haven't been there before.

Or maybe he is a meth addict that was trying to figure out how to cook his own drugs. The explosion damaged the cabinents so he had to use the jack to fix the cabinent

[Dave K]

Don't tell my wife. I'd get in huge trouble for this one.


A son asked his mother the following question:

' Mom, why are wedding dresses white? 'The mother looks at her
son and replies:


' Son, this shows your friends and relatives that your bride is pure. '


The son thanks his Mom and goes off to double-check this with his father.


'Dad why are wedding dresses white? '


The father looks at his son in surprise and says:


'Son, all household appliances come in white. '

[Dave K]

THIS ONE IS AWESOME !!

Testicle Therapy

Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her
ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.

The ball hit one of the men.

He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the
ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.

The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize.
'Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could
relieve your pain if you'd allow me, she told him.

'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the man
replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still
clasping his hands there at his groin.

At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently
took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and
put her hands inside.

She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and
asked, 'How does that feel'?

He replied: It feels great, but I still think my thumb's broken!

[Dave K]

For those of you who remember Hollywood Squares some of the funniest one liner where compliments of Paul Lynde

Have a good chuckle !!!


Peter Marshall: If the right part comes along, will George C. Scott do a nude scene?
Paul Lynde: You mean he doesn't have the right part?

Peter Marshall: Will a goose help warn you if there's an intruder on your property?
Paul Lynde: There's no better way!

Peter Marshall: In "Alice in Wonderland", who kept crying "I'm late, I'm late?"
Paul Lynde: Alice, and her mother is sick about it.

Peter Marshall: According to Tony Randall, "Every woman I've been intimate with in my life has been..." What?
Paul Lynde: Bitterly disappointed.

Peter Marshall: Diamonds should not be kept with your family jewels, why?
Paul Lynde: They're so cold!

Peter Marshall: What is a pullet?
Paul Lynde: A little show of affection...

Peter Marshall: In the Middle Ages, Paul, people in convents were not allowed to eat beans because they believed something about them we now know isn't true. What?
Paul Lynde: Well, I know they took a vow of silence...

Peter Marshall: Paul, Snow White...was she a blonde or a brunette?
Paul Lynde: Only Walt Disney knows for sure...

Peter Marshall: Promethius was tied to the top of a mountain by the gods because he had given something to man. What did he give us?
Paul Lynde: I don't know what you got, but I got a sports shirt.

Peter Marshall: When Richard Nixon was Vice-President, he went someplace on a "good will mission," but instead wound up being stoned and shouted at. Where did this take place?
Paul Lynde: Pat's room .

Peter Marshall: True or false, cow's horns are used to make ice cream.
Paul Lynde: You mean those weren't chocolate chips?

(I know these next two are already quoted to death but I just couldn't resist)
Peter Marshall: What are "dual purpose"cattle good for that other cattle aren't?
Paul Lynde: They give milk and cookies...but I don't recommend the cookies!

Peter Marshall: Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.

Peter Marshall: True or false...research indicates that Columbus liked to wear bloomers and long stockings.
Paul Lynde: It's not easy to sign a crew up for six months...

Peter Marshall: Whose motto is "Do Your Best"?
Paul Lynde: I guess we can rule out Jimmy Carter...

Peter Marshall: According to the French Chef, Julia Child, how much is a pinch?
Paul Lynde: Just enough to turn her on...

Peter Marshall: It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps. One is politics. What is the other?
Paul Lynde: Tape measures.

Peter Marshall: True or false, the navy has trained whales to recover objects a mile deep.
Paul Lynde: At first they tried unsuccessfully with cocker spaniels...

Peter Marshall: It used to be called "9-pin." What's it called today?
Paul Lynde: Foreplay!

Peter Marshall: When you pat a dog on its head he will usually wag his tail. What will a goose do?
Paul Lynde: Make him bark.

Peter Marshall: Paul, in the early days of Hollywood, who was usually found atop Tony, the Wonder Horse?
Paul Lynde: My Friend Flicka.

Peter Marshall: During the War of 1812, Captain Oliver Perry made the famous statement, "We have met the enemy and..." What?
Paul Lynde: They are cute.

Peter Marshall: Burt Reynolds is quoted as saying, "Dinah (Shore)'s in top form. I've never known anyone to be so completely able to throw herself into a..." A what?
Paul Lynde: A headboard.

Peter Marshall: What is the name of the instrument with the light on the end, that the doctor sticks in your ear?
Paul Lynde: Oh, a cigarette.

Peter Marshall: In one state, you can deduct $5 from a traffic ticket if you show the officer...what?
Paul Lynde: A ten dollar bill.

Peter Marshall: Experts say you should avoid sex immediately after...what?
Paul Lynde: Surgery.

Peter Marshall: True or false, each generation of Americans has been about an inch taller than the previous generation...
Paul Lynde: That makes Robert Conrad an antique!

Peter Marshall: It's well known that small amounts of female hormones are found in the male body. Are male hormones ever found in the female body?
Paul Lynde: Occasionally.

Peter Marshall: In the "Wizard of Oz," the lion wanted courage and the tin man wanted a heart. What did the scarecrow want?
Paul Lynde: He wanted the tin man to notice him.

Peter Marshall: Billy Graham recently called it "our great hope in a confusing and ever-changing world." What is it?
Paul Lynde: Pampers.

Peter Marshall: Paul, how many men are on a hockey team?
Paul Lynde: Oh, about half.

Peter Marshall: What should you do if you're going 55 miles per hour and your tires suddenly blow out?
Paul Lynde: Honk if you believe in Jesus.

Peter Marshall: What do you call a man who gives you diamonds and pearls?
Paul Lynde: I'd call him "darling"!

Peter Marshall: True or false...a shipment of the Pill was recently recalled because they were actually sugar pills...
Paul Lynde: Does this mean all of the babies born in November will have pimples?

[laserfish]

It all began with an iPhone...

In March my son celebrated his 15th birthday, and I got him an iPhone. He just loved it. Who wouldn't?


I celebrated my birthday in July, and my wife made me very happy when she bought me an iPad.

My daughter's birthday was in August so I got her an iPod Touch.


September came so I got my wife an iRon for her birthday.

It was around then that the fight started . . .

What the wife failed to recognize is that the iRon can be integrated into the home network with the iWash, iCook and iClean.
This inevitably activates the iNag reminder service.

I should be out of the hospital by Thursday!

[Dave K]

ha ha ha !!!

[Dave K]

Subject: Hymn #365




This is a hoot, but I suspect the minister didn't appreciate it.

A minister was completing a temperance sermon. With great emphasis he said,
"If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river."

With even greater emphasis he said, "And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river."

And then finally, shaking his fist in the air, he said, "And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river."

Sermon complete, he sat down.

The song leader stood very cautiously and announced With a smile, nearly laughing, "For our closing song,
Let us sing Hymn #365, 'Shall We Gather at the River.'" *

Smile, life is too short not to!*
*If this brightened your day
Don't let it stop here
Pass it on with a smile
Keep spreading the Cheer.** *
*See you at the river!*

[Dave K]

Over the last few summers I became a victim of a clever scam while out boating. Simply going out for a day of boating has turned out to be quite traumatic. Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends.

Here's how the scam works:

Two very hot 20-21 year-old girls come over to your truck as you are pulling your boat out of the water. They both hang arround watching you strap down the boat and make small talk about your boat and where you will be going next, with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. It is impossible not to look. they ask for a ride up to the marina or campground, You agree and they get in the truck. On the way, they start undressing. Then one of them climbs over into the and starts crawling all over you and starts curessing you & unziping your pants , while the other one steals your wallet.


I had my wallet stolen May 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th, & 24th 29th. Also June 1st, 4th, twice on the 8th, 16th, 23rd, 26th, 30th, three times last Saturday and very likely again this upcoming weekend. So tell your friends to be careful.

[robert theisen]

Over the last few summers I became a victim of a clever scam while out boating. Simply going out for a day of boating has turned out to be quite traumatic. Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends.

Here's how the scam works:

Two very hot 20-21 year-old girls come over to your truck as you are pulling your boat out of the water. They both hang arround watching you strap down the boat and make small talk about your boat and where you will be going next, with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. It is impossible not to look. they ask for a ride up to the marina or campground, You agree and they get in the truck. On the way, they start undressing. Then one of them climbs over into the and starts crawling all over you and starts curessing you & unziping your pants , while the other one steals your wallet.


I had my wallet stolen May 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th, & 24th 29th. Also June 1st, 4th, twice on the 8th, 16th, 23rd, 26th, 30th, three times last Saturday and very likely again this upcoming weekend. So tell your friends to be careful.

do you sell wallets or just own a spare in case of emergency!

[KonaKing]

REDNECK
TECHNOLOGY
AT IT'S FINEST

No redneck here. Inorganic Chemistry

[robert theisen]

Subject: Hymn #365




This is a hoot, but I suspect the minister didn't appreciate it.

A minister was completing a temperance sermon. With great emphasis he said,
"If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river."

With even greater emphasis he said, "And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river."

And then finally, shaking his fist in the air, he said, "And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river."

Sermon complete, he sat down.

The song leader stood very cautiously and announced With a smile, nearly laughing, "For our closing song,
Let us sing Hymn #365, 'Shall We Gather at the River.'" *

Smile, life is too short not to!*
*If this brightened your day
Don't let it stop here
Pass it on with a smile
Keep spreading the Cheer.** *
*See you at the river!*

what's the name of the river?